Written by Jason Katims|
Directed by Allan Kroeker
This week: We come back from The Summer That Never Should Have Been with flashbacks, new hairstyles, and everyone favorite -- teenage crime sprees. All this, plus Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer joins the cast. Join me, won't you?
Ok. Season premiere. Here we go.
Y'all and Buffy need to plan better. There's no time to pee between shows. That's really annoying, yo.
I just made a very embarrassing noise. It might have been a squeal of delight. I hate myself.
Tousled hair, Max. Not your friend. And I never thought I'd say this, but honey, you need a shave.
Ok, for the record? Watching Max and Liz rob a convenience store violates some law of physics somewhere. Hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Yes, I will be bitching about this later.
My god! It's a giant pie plate! Oh, wait.
Max, how bad was your summer that you look like *that*? Jesus.
You two are *so* never getting into Harvard now. I mean, not that you can worry about that when you're searching for Max's out-of-wedlock Antichrist child, but in case you harbored any hopes of getting into a decent college, scratch 'em.
It's the saddest car chase I've ever seen. Though, apparently, Max pulled a Michael and spent his summer blowing up rocks. When he wasn't shaving, that is.
Seriously, people. Spend some money on stunt drivers. God.
Tell me Max's bangs don't have highlights. Oh, ow. The credits suck more every year. It's like a contest.
Credits. Um. Where's Max in the doorway of the Crashdown from the pilot? That shot was, oh, kind of important? Don't give a flying fark about Katie's hair. Unibrow impresses me not a whit, though he *does* have a nice smile. Nick yummy. The Jesus hair suits Brendan. Oh, my God. I just typed something nice about Brendan Fehr. Is my blood sugar low?
I was promised Dreamer making out before the credits. *That* does not count. Y'all owe me about three minutes. Go ahead, stop the plot; I'll wait.
Since 8 p.m., this is the fourth commercial I've seen for Enterprise. Enough already. Jeez.
Oh. Who do I kill for the wacky recap? Who? Because, um, there's a reason I didn't watch the last 6 eps until about a month ago, and its name is Emilie de Ravin. Also, shouldn't previouslys come *before* the ep?
Effective use of flashback narration, though.
So Max's hair started to suck when Tess left town? And watch me not care. White roses. Jason Behr being all deep-voiced and sincere. And since when does Roswell have a lake?
"....with my unborn child." Bwa! Now kick him in the nards, Liz. Go on. You'll feel better. God knows *I* will.
"Liz, dating someone like me --" Someone with highlights? Someone who thinks with his power source when you have a shitty month? Yeah, I've still got issues. Like you don't.
"I wanna be with you." That was very nearly sincere.
"What about your son?" "There's nothing I can do about that." Oh, if only.
Look, Max, you know I want to love you. I do. But I cannot when you are taking Michael lessons in the art of Sincere Cheeseball To Get In A Chick's Pants.
Hey! Phillip! And he's being a lawyer! Which, um, he is, so that makes sense.
And Diane! Tell me you made flan. Or, um, not.
John Doe! Jo Anderson! Man, it's a four-peat!
The start of the thing on the dock? Cute. Cute cute cute. Hand-holding! Dangly legs in the air!
And then Darth tries to win me over with Max getting naked. You *fucker*. This better be uncut on the DVD, ass.
"Our grandchildren". That. Better. Be. Foreshadowing.
Yeah, the giggles are forced. Shut up. Last year sucked so much ass I can't begin to go into detail without having traumatic Vietnam-esque flashbacks, so I'll take forced giggles over booze and loathing, thankyouverymuch.
Um, why can't Max swim? Oh, wait. Alien Spawn-O-Gram.
Michael, stop hitting him. I mean, I know it's a valid thing to do when someone's in shock, but you're Michael. You don't get to hit Max. You had your moment in So47, buddy. Love it.
All four parents, *and* Max getting naked with an authoritative grin that just screams "hand me the scarves, baby." And no Grant. It's officially better than Skin & Bones, people. Of course, it can still go downhill, but let me have my dreams.
"He's been born." Which means Tess is on Antar. Which means *she can't come back*. Darth, take notes. You wrote this one. If you want, we'll remind you later.
Not loving Max's new hair. Except for the whole getting-naked scene. Growwwl.
Is it just me, or does Shiri seem better this year?
The in media res thing isn't killing me with
"Excuse me while I take a moment to chuckle within." Hee. And yet, high school teachers are *never* that rude. College students, yeah.
Mr. Seligman! Continuity! I feel faint.
Katie's new hair? Bleh. Bleh squared.
"Mrs. Evans, love the hair." Well, that makes one of us.
The new lighting filters are kind of cool, though. Makes it easy to distinguish between
"This is Jesse Ramirez, from my office." Who you've been having illicit and skanky sex with for several months now. Also, he only has one eyebrow.
I completely understand everything Jesse and Phillip are saying. Bless you, years of Law & Order.
"...our poor clueless human parents?" Oh. So your parents are human? And you're aliens? 'Cause I didn't know that.
"...running low on cigarettes?" Hee. That's funnier if you know stuff behind the scenes.
Ok, the dialogue? Sucks. Fetch me Thania St. John and Jan Oxenberg! I demand dialogue that both sucks and makes Max and Liz naked and lit by the glow of hundreds of candles! Huzzah!
Why do y'all still have Tess' stuff? Salvation Army exists for a reason.
If I have to hear Max say "my son" one more time, I will beat myself over the head with something.
"Don't be such a smartass." Dude, I've been saying that for two years. He ain't listening.
Obviously Majandra had work done on her teeth over the summer. She's showing them off every damn second.
Liz looks appropriately waifish and -- oh, *hello*, straddling! Mama missed you!
"Max, do you love me?" "Who are you?"
Isabel and Jesse. So. Don't. Care. Wouldn't if you paid me to. Let's move on, huh? Or backwards. That place where Max and Liz were making out in his room. Because nudity could have followed, and we didn't see it because I'm too busy staring at Unibrow and Isaboob.
26? Isabel, I'm sorry, but clearly, in addition to having lived before, you are a big skank.
By research, Jesse, you mean "your 18-year-old daughter's panties."
Liz, a tip: don't ever go into the food service business somewhere you don't have to wear a wacky apron. You look all matronly, and that's clashing with my vision of you as a teenage sexpot. I *like* the teenage sexpot thing, dammit.
Ok, so plotwise it's as thin as wet toilet paper. But I've seen Jason Behr shirtless and taking off his belt with a dirty grin, and that's fine with me. I'm easy, people. It was a loooong summer.
Oh! The snarky grin! I am clapping my hands as if I were four! And the making out! And the complete overuse of exclamation marks on my part!
Jeez, maybe I *do* have low blood sugar.
"We have to find the spaceship, right?" Not as much as you need to get naked.
C'mon, John. Help a brother out.
Does anyone at this point *not* know that Phillip's going to screw Liz over? I mean, really? I don't think I've ever wanted to bitch-slap the man with a James Michner novel before.
I'm digging Nancy's new hair. And it's John Doe! Whee!
This just in: Phillip sucks. That is all. You may resume.
Oh, good lord. Jason, you need to take a week off and go somewhere to tan, eat, and sleep, though not in that order. And if you, y'know, want to have sex with someone who is not Katie Heigl yet still a brunette, be my guest. Be sure to take pictures, though.
Phillip is a fuckwad. Jeff, you want to beat his ass in the parking lot, you go right ahead. Here, take my sack of oranges. I'm not using it at the moment.
Plot still sucks. Still can't bring myself to care, with all the yummies.
Shouldn't Sam Waterston show up at some point? Oh, wait, wrong show.
"You want me to sell Max out." Um, yeah. I'm actually with the parents on this one, Liz. Like he can't escape, fake his death and come back to New Mexico.
I miss the Jeep. Come back, Bob! Mama misses you, too!
And, um, I appear to be referring to myself as "Mama". Someone fetch me a Zagnut and a Diet Coke posthaste.
Shiri looks good in this scene. Jason, not so much. Good of UPN to continue the Roswell tradition of Background Music That In No Way Fits The Scene It's Paired With.
Max in a uniform? Flashbacks to a certain Italian mint commercial. Aw, yeah. Mmmn.
Darth, did wombats eat your brain at some point over the past three months? Usually you can be counted on for at least one or two lines of dialogue that don't suck. Now...dude, were they *big* wombats? Come on, you can tell me.
Max looks like Spike, except not blond.
"My son's in trouble."
Yeah, woo! Maria, *you* kick him in the nards! Look, someone kick him in the nards. Don't particularly care who at the moment, long as it isn't Michael.
OutlawLeatherClad!Max. Great. Now I have a Christmas list.
Hey, where'd the pie plate go?
We have three minutes to go, and Liz is still in jail. You guys suck. Yeah, I know, duh.
Phillip! Or, as I now want to call him, Phuckwad. Yes. That's your new name. Diane and Phuckwad, and their soon-to-be son-in-law, Unibrow.
Agent What's-His-Face looks like Agent Smith from The Matrix.
Hee. Max gets one over on the FBI. This should happen more often.
Aaaand Nancy's got the ponytail again. Dang.
"Your mother and I forbid you to see Max anymore." Well. That was blunt, wasn't it?
So. We have parents forbidding teenagers to see each other, and said teenagers breaking laws to do so. If anyone sees a Greek chorus at any point, start running.
Is that a country song? The *hell*?
"Goodbye, Dad." Idiots. Whomping idiots, the lot of you.
And we're done. Are we done? God, that was fast. And interminable.
Let's just stop the country song now, 'kay? The least you could do after this week is treat me to some Poe, Darth.
Ok. Um. Max looking up at the stars. Nicely done, yo.
And Shiri gets an extra line. Hurrah!
OBSERVATIONS:So, we're back. Who missed me?
Yeah, yeah, I'm not the ones you're worried about. But that's as it should be. Right, so here goes:
For all Brats and Valentines in the audience, I'm sorry. Try again next week. But at least Nick and Bill look good in the credits, Bill especially. Mmn.
Jesse...eh. He's got one eyebrow. He's apparently been porking Isabel all summer. He's a lawyer, and he works with Phillip. Other than that, the water isn't so much as rippling. He's a nonentity, and will continue to be so for the time being. But he's not Grant, so he's got *that* going for him.
Isabel has new hair, and really terrible taste in kerchiefs. She's actually got less of a presence on-screen this week than Jesse, which struck me as odd. Katie basically got the week off, too.
Maria and Michael basically had cameos. I don't see this as a bad thing. Though I *will* say that the Jesus hair does suit Michael, as does the fact that Brendan apparently lost a whole 'nother person's worth of weight over the summer. This makes me neither a BAK nor a MAK, however, so let's just cut those rumors short right now. I still don't like them. I just can't complain that much this week. Talk to me next week, when Michael starts his job as a security guard.
And now. Max and Liz.
We have to separate the episode into two parts: the Dreamer Stuff, and the Rest of the Ep. They're two completely different entities, work on two completely different levels, so I can't review them together.
The Dreamer Stuff? Kicked *ass*. Not as much as it did first season, for obvious reasons (cough"myson"cough), but it's a nice change of pace from last year, which I'd personally like to forget as it's a blight on my memory that not even alcohol can erase. Last year, we had awkward, stilted talking in front of Whittaker's office; this year, we've got Max with white roses and a puppy-esque expression. Last year, we had Max, Tess, Isabel and Maria in a booth at the Crashdown; this year, we've got Max damn near ripping off his shirt and unbuckling his belt with a sordid grin. Tell me how that's not an improvement.
Of course, last year we had breaking into Congresswoman Whittaker's office as opposed to holding up a convenience store, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Back to the nudity -- Max. I meant Max.
And yeah, I know that Shirtless!Max was a blatant attempt to keep the Dreamers from rebelling (pardon the pun), but you know what? It worked on me. Maybe I'm desperate, after last year; maybe I'm just tired, and my defenses are down. I don't know. I *do* know that I'm fully aware that it's a temporary measure, and if they don't get honest-to-God reconciliation in there, I'm going to be back to my sarcastic self in about a month. But for right now, this very second, I was smiling. I haven't smiled at Roswell in a very long time. That says something, I think. Me likee.
(Except for the, um, gratuitious glossing over of the last three weeks of last year in about two minutes. That pissed me off more than the Plot That Wasn't. Max, c'mon. Flowers are nice. Chocolate is nicer. Abject groveling and debasement for two months is the minimum. I know Liz is a pushover for you [shut up, she is], but there's "pushover" and then there's "clearly dealing with the aftereffects of being around someone who can mindwarp for the better part of a year, thus leaving you highly suggestible". Guess which category Liz falls into?
There is no way - NO WAY - that anyone, even Liz, would forgive Max for something like that *that* fast. And I'm not going to even get into the whole "well, Liz kinda started it" argument. I'm not. I'm going to go back to my happy place with ShirtlessAuthoritativeGrin!Max. Suffice it to say that Darth dropped the ball yet again. Good one, numbnuts. High marks.)
The Rest of the Ep? Kind of sucked. I really wasn't kidding when I said the plot was as thin as wet toilet paper. That might have been being friendly, actually. I don't know about Utah, but here in Florida, we've got a little law called 10-20-Life, meaning that the first time you pull a gun -- just *pull* one, not aim it or anything -- you automatically get 10 years in jail. Obviously the FBI was involved, and obviously someone knows what Pierce was doing, or at least about aliens. God knows if they'll keep it as a long-term plot point, but it might actually be interesting if they do. Or not. I'm riffing.
I don't ever need to see Liz suffering nobly for Max again. *Buffy* doesn't have that great of a martyr complex, Darth. Jeez. "I won't testify against Max." Um, sweetie? You're a minor, and they're threatening you with an assload of jail time. The man can generate a forcefield, and less than three months ago he knocked up someone you loathe, someone who killed one of your best friends, so I think the least he can do is guest-star on Oz, y'know?
Also, um, silly question: why in the name of upright-walking-God would the government hide an alien spacecraft in the basement of a convenience store and not, oh, say, in a heavily fortified hangar surrounded by guys from Oklahoma with no necks and a love of following orders? And how the hell did the ship out so fast? Stupid, stupid plot. No cookie for you.
So, rating: 2.5 out of 5; the Dreamer stuff, 3.9 out of 5, mainly for delivery and straddling and shirtlessness. And no, I won't average out the two.
Next week: No previews down here, but the ep's called "Michael, The Guys, and the Great Snapple Caper". Who else thinks Wacky Hijinks will ensue?Gale