This week: Old McMichael had a farm, E-I,
E-I-O...okay, not really, but I've been waiting to use
that line for a week now. Sue me. Also: Laurie makes a
run for the border; Amy hijacks the Clue Bus; Jim
begins woodworking (no, not *that* way. Ick); Grant
acts weird -- well, weirder; and Isabel phones home.
Also, in the Underused Actors running tally, Colin had
one scene (here we go again...), Emilie had one, Nick
had two, and Jason had six. *Six*. But at least
Brendan got to show off his brand-spanking-new
quintuple chins, so the time wasn't a total loss,
I've been sitting here for the past half-hour, listening to BNL's "The Humour of the Situation" and fending off a Diet Coke high. Damn aspartme. I think this stuff gets me higher than regular Coke, now. Whee. It's fun up here. I've been cracking Brendan jokes for about 15 minutes. You should have heard them. Really funny. Or not. I can't tell anymore. Oh, hell, let's just get on with it.
I hate the way the scenes for this week were edited together. Dude, spend a few extra bucks and don't let teenagers in your editing bays, 'kay? God. I could have done better in my high school TV Productions class, and I *sucked* at editing.
Previously on Roswell: stuff we've already seen.
Hey, look, an Indian! Never seen one of *those* before. Michael Horse, I miss you.
AAAGH! No! Not Candy fluffies! F**k! That's *cheating*! I am annoyed now, and we're not even five minutes in. And apparently, Majandra is *still* annoying her hairdresser.
"I think they're having *sex*!" "Whoa."
Well, Laurie looks better this week. Good thing she changed out of the sweats; those things had to be pretty rank by now.
I don't ever need to hear Michael yell, "Go, baby, go! Yeah!" again. *Ever*.
"I'm not going to get into this relationship stuff right now." Brendan or Michael? You make the call!
You know what? I am getting pretty damn sick and tired of having to sit through Candy happies every other week, and here we sit, satisfied with talk of world travel and the way Max glanced at Krakow when Liz kicked him out. I'm not. Darth, if you're listening: YOU. OWE. ME. Or rather, us. Asshole.
Five'll get you ten that Grant is the Mysterious Unidentified Shooter. Of course, the rest of us figured that out two *weeks* ago, but anyway.
Wow, good thing for the opening credits. Otherwise I'd never have known that there were other cast members on this show, if I'd just been going by the teaser.
Okay, I take it back. Majandra has cute hair. Might want to ease up on the curling iron, though.
"I had to use my powers to lock her in." Michael, you're on a CELL PHONE. Cell phones are notoriously easy for not being safe lines of communication. Maybe mentioning your powers isn't the best idea. Someone remind me why he's not King again?
Hey, remember when Jason had good hair last week? Yeah, that's gone. It's not bad, but it's not last-week good, either.
Dennis Christopher? I take it back. Now it's a Profiler reunion show. (Erica Gimpel used to be on that, and so did DC. And can we quit with the revolving cops? Please? It's just getting ridiculous, now.)
Can we just give Tess a hairstyle and stick with it? Hair should not be treated with the Throw-It-Against-The-Wall-And-See-What-Works method.
"Maybe you should ask your lab partner. She's the science whiz." Hi, Isabel? We've had this discussion before. Blah blah blah Liz got shot, blah blee blee Max saved her, secret was exposed wah wah. If I could, I'd upload a .jpeg and .wav of me playing The World's Saddest Song on The World's Smallest Violin, because everyone's been singing it for almost *two years* and it's getting PRETTY F**KING OLD. Ahem. Thank you.
Shiri looks very, very pretty this week. I like the midriff top/kinda wavy hair thing.
Krakow, if I cut you a check, will you just f**king *go away*? Jesus. Anyone else feel like chipping in?
"Where the hell's Maria?" Not here. Go find her.
"What else do I got to do?" Okay, first: Grammar's all wrong there, Puffy McFunkyPants. Second: Maybe you should try *not looking like her grandpa*.
"Shouldn't my parents be here?" Yeah, they should. I mean, if they were in town. Or in-state. Or in this *hemisphere*. "I lost my bike that week." Isabel, no. No no no. That's just lame.
Oh, man, it's Grant! And he looks more like himself, but not really, y'know? I swear, I don't think that's the same actor.
Hey, look at me. I magically found a gun. I didn't shoot it or anything. Nope. Uh-uh. Not me. Not me and my suspicious equipment in the woods, mere feet away from where a girl was buried alive.
If the film version of Hannibal is anything like the book, it's going to scare the sh*t out of people.
Okay, maybe it's not a good idea to let Laurie out in public.
"Have you ever seen that bathroom?" What Maria described sounds a lot like the bathroom at the roller skating rink in Miami our junior high went to on field trips.
Majandra's eye makeup makes her look like she's either been punched or hasn't slept for, like, a month.
"She went camping again." Dude, does everyone in New Mexico go camping, or are parents raving idiots? (Re: Amy -- obviously not.)
"...the other four times she took off for days on end." Okay, props to Amy. A parent who pays attention. That makes...one.
"Yeah, of a cheap motor inn." "Sean, shut up." Why I love Liz, in three easy words.
You know, when these kids go off to college, it's going to be a hell of a lot easier to sneak around. Professors don't give a damn if you go camping, as long as you show up for tests and hand in papers on time.
Okay, props to Nick for the scene with Bill. Ooh, and Bill. I ever run into the two of them, they are getting such hugs. And if someone doesn't give Bill his job back, like, *now*, I will personally kill me some interns. Or maybe some prop guys. Doesn't really matter, but blood will be shed.
You know what? The lawsuit? That's what we call overkill.
Brendan, stop delivering your lines to somewhere just over the chick who plays Laurie's shoulder, all right? Eye contact is not a Bad Thing.
"You're not my grandpa, are you?" What gave him away, the age?
Okay, does this mean we have to see Brendan dressed up as a 66-year-old. No thank you. The overalls were scary enough, thanks.
It's sad when one of your major props is powered by a *Christmas tree light*. Dude. Guys, come on. Get rid of the forcefield for an ep and buy some real lights.
And now Jason has decent hair again? The hell?
"We're being free spirits, Mom." If I'd said that to *my* mom, she'd have kicked my ass into the next century.
"Hey, Mrs. DeLuca." Okay, snicker.
"Call me if you need bail money." BWA HA HA! I'm adopting Amy, too. Can I adopt Amy?
"No. No, Sean. No no no." My thoughts exactly. Ooh, and Sean's not listening. Funny, Sean, I always figured you didn't listen to "no" if it was said by some girl in the backseat of your Impala. Huh. Guess you just blocked out that word entirely, eh?
Okay, you know what? Whoever came up with the wacky Liz/Sean pillow fight needs to be beaten for a very long while. Possibly with Jim's bat. Or a tire iron. Or some bleachers. I haven't quite decided yet.
"You're not planning to take her across state lines, are you?" "No."
Jesus. A pillow fight is making my stomach do very bad things. And now I'm tearing up. Mother*f**k*.
Threaten him, Max! Threaten his tiny reform-school penis! Then burn it off or something, because you know what? That would make up for wanting to smack you last week. Mostly.
See? Grant's EEEVIL. And in no way did I see that coming, except that oh wait, I did. From Tucson, of all places.
"...wood shop got you frustrated?" F**k off and die, bitch. Jim, you done with that bat yet? 'Cause I'll give it a few good whacks. Test it out, see if it works.
Liz knows the Latin name for parasites. In other words, yes, she *is* a science geek.
"Frazier" Woods. Hi, Cathi!
While I like Liz's top -- and the pants, too, and the hair -- we need to get her to ditch the flowery overshirt thingy. It's waay too busy.
Oh, you mean the Great and Powerful Isabel Evans has deigned to take a call from the pitiful mortal Liz Parker? Ooh! Someone call the papers! It's a miracle!
When did Isabel break up with Grant? Did I miss another freaking memo? And please don't get back together with him, because, um, EW.
Okay, I'm digging Grandpa DuPree's house. I wanna live there when I grow up.
You know, I don't think the Music of Hilarity is entirely appropriate right now. And what's with making Dennis Christopher the most effeminate man alive? Is it contractual or something?
The way they filmed Brendan in that scene displayed all eighteen of his chins to their fullest affect. And by "fullest", I mean "really, really chunky".
Boy, if I gave a sh*t about topographic maps or any sort of waterway system in New Mexico, this would be really cool right now. Too bad I don't.
Woo! Brody! Ladies and gentlemen, Desmond gets paid!
Um, Isabel? Brody's not a radio transmitter. He's a *person*. The least you could do is ask.
"...I will make it my business to get you your job back." Someone get that in writing. Oh, wait, I just did.
"We'll take care of her now." Yeah, you do that, Bunky. You and the Magical Ray-Bans.
Brendan has horse teeth. Never noticed that before. Desmond's earring is really cute. Actually, he's really cute. Can we get him in the credits next season? Pretty please?
Larek's accent is subtly different from Brody's. That makes me giggle for no particular reason.
Gandarium? Darth, do you *hate* me? It's still not as bad as granilith, though.
"Get off the planet now." Um, they kind of can't, Rekky.
Yeah, Brody, you fainted. Clear across the room. And lying down. And with an Excedrin headache that's this big.
AAAGH! Not Lifehouse again! No! You are trying to kill me, Darth!
The final chapter of THC? Do you promise? Can I get that in writing, too?
Okay, everyone who was out in Covina: I now know what you mean by that whole "Jason looks good in a knit cap" thing. I can't quite buy him as a commando, though. I get the feeling he'd be too worried about breaking and entering.
MORE COHERENT STUFF:
The more I watch, the more...okay, I'm not confused, mainly because I've read the spoilers and know pretty much what's coming next week in regards to the crystals -- oh, excuse me, *gandarium* -- so no surprises there. But if I hadn't read the spoilers, I'd have had to actually pay attention, and then I really would want Jim's bat to crack myself over the head a few dozen times. So, to review: go spoilers!
Science aside, not a bad ep. There's more emphasis on character development in this one, which is Roswell's strong point; you can cram in all the science fiction you want, guys, but if we don't care about the characters, we will not give a good damn about gandarium or graniliths or blah bling blee. Just so you know.
I cannot comment on Alex, Kyle or Tess this week, as Colin and Emilie each got one scene and Nick got two. You can't really do a character review based on that. Sorry. Although from what I did see, Nick hit another one out of the park (see? Baseball metaphor!), and for the record, I'd like to cast my vote for keeping the kinda-wavy-thing going with Emilie's hair. It certainly looks better than when it's ironed. Bleh.
Still love me some crazy British man, though I feel the urge to whop him on the head if he actually bought that whole "you got knocked cold" story Isabel fed him. Yeah, Brody, you passed out. And ended up on the other side of the room. And lying down. And with a massive headache. Happens to me all the time, but from what I saw, you hadn't been drinking.
Laurie's still full-tilt Topolsky, though she seems to be getting better; whether or not she *stays* better is a question we can't have answered until Feb. 19. (Stupid WB. Bad! No cookie!) Points to the makeup department for keeping her looking like crap, which makes sense for the character. Actress Who Plays Laurie (whose name, I'm sorry, I don't know), you get a cookie. Judging by the state of your ribs, you might need it.
Agent Duff is still a bitch, but she promised to get Jim his job back if he helped her solve the case, so I can't entirely hate her. She goes back on her word, though, and I'm borrowing Grant's gun.
Ah, Grant. I feel bad for him, and not just because of the spoilers; judging by what happened in the woods, he has *no* idea what he's doing, or even that he's doing it. Still, the whole dating-an-18-year-old thing creeps me out massively, and I can't quite bring myself to care if he lives or dies. Though I bet you money I'll be rolling my eyes and snarking my way through Isabel's "Don't go! I love you!" scene at the very end. "Hokey" rhymes with "pokey", and that's one vowel away from "pukey". Don't go for the Emmy, Katie; you're on The WB. You won't win one. Ever.
Sean...no. No. I don't like you. You're smarmy and creepy and hitting on one of your cousin's friends, and smirking at inappropriate moments, and you don't take no for an answer just enough that I can't help but wonder *why* you were in juvi, if you catch my drift. If you flirt with Liz again, I am going *into* the TV, marching over to Max's house, and having a few words with him. And when I am done, you will be very very dead, and I will clap for half an hour. NO ONE LIKES YOU. No one I've met, anyway. Go far, far, *far* away and never come back. Ever.
But to make up for the Sean hatred, we have Amylove! (And yeah, I know how creepy that sounded. But you know what I mean.) She is officially the coolest parent on this whole show, aside from Jim-In-the-Credits. Getting freaked out about her daughter's disappearing act, threatening her friend to figure out where said daughter is, giving Michael a modified version of The Talk -- welcome to the magical land of How Parents Actually Act. Nice to see. (But for the record, if any of my friends' moms had threatened me with violence if I didn't tell them where their children were, I would have gotten the f**k out of there post-haste. I don't take threats of violence that well.)
Laurie's families are non-entities. I'd just like to take this space to ask Darth, rather nicely, to quit it with the stunt casting. Szarabjanka, Gimpel, Christopher -- God only knows who you're getting for the arc's finale. Oh, Christ, it's not Boxleitner, is it? Oh, right, the Dupress. Don't care. Probably won't see them again. Let's move on.
Jim is in a very dark place right now, and I can't blame him. Clearly he's one of those people who *needs* a job to feel like he's doing something. I'm a little disturbed to see him going all shaky-voiced and making bats in the garage after less than a day, but everyone handles stress differently. He'd better get his job back, though, 'cause I'm not kidding about that whole killing-the-prop-guy thing I mentioned above.
Isabel...eh. Nothing, really. She gets back together with Grant (when did they break up? Come on, people, it's show, not tell), hangs around scenes looking statuesque and blonde, blah blah farf. I want to know how she managed to contact Larek (the hell? Have they been practicing?), and apparently, the whole You Saved Liz Parker And Exposed Our Secret speech *is* contractually required to be made by some one every couple of eps -- this time, it's Isabel's turn. Only two sentences, this time. Jesus, can't we just make up a macro and let it alone? *God.*
(Sidebar to Darth: You know that YSLPAEOS speech I just mentioned? Yeah. You can quit it. Most of us were here for the pilot; those who weren't can read transcripts or have someone dub it for them. We know what happened: Liz got shot. Max saved her life. "Oh, by the way, I'm an alien." You know what? We got that. We got that *last season*. We got that Isabel and Michael were annoyed at the time, but considering that Liz has since *saved Max's life*, I think maybe they should start letting go of old resentments and stuff, you know? Either that, or pour themselves a nice warm glass of shut the hell up. End sidebar.)
With any luck, they'll let this whole "gandarium" thing go after next week. I still have to type "granilith" (though not lately, thank you *God*); we don't need to start adding to the List of Wacky Alien Terminology Gale Has To Type Out Each Week.
Anybody says one thing to me about the Liz/Sean pillow fight being cute, I will take them out behind the woodshed and beat them severely. Which sucks, because I live in an apartment building and would need to find a woodshed. It wasn't cute. It was flirting. And we're not talking "pepperjack, right?" flirting, either. Krakow is working my last good nerve almost as bad as Darth is. I thought I was over the twisted stomach/getting sniffly thing; apparently, I was wrong, as evidenced by a damn *pillow fight*. Anyone have a gun I can borrow? Hey, Jim, you still need that bat?
Within the first twenty minutes, after Jason had appeared all of once, I started counting scenes. I haven't had to do that before for him, and I don't much appreciate it. If I have to sit through Brendan for 48 minutes, I'd better get just compensation somewhere down the line. (For the record, six. *Six* scenes. Oy.) Max, once again, doesn't have a whole hell of a lot to do this week: Talk to Michael, talk to Larek, talk to Liz...okay, so maybe I was wrong about that commando thing. At least he'll get to *do* something. The scene with Mrs. DeLuca was priceless, though: "You're not planning to take across state lines, are you?" "No."
Points for Shiri actually being on the show this week, and for dressing like a grown-up again (yay!), but your flowery shirt was way too big for you, and you need to tell Sean to f**k off and die, followed by a sharp kick to the goolies. She's doing science stuff again, fairly well considering that she wants to be a molecular biologist. She's the only human there when the Podsters (okay, half of 'em) contact Larek. You know, Isabel, she's pretty handy. Maybe you should shut the hell up about Liz getting shot, 'kay? I'd like to see *you* try to comprehend maps. You'd get lost in the mall. (Okay, so I still have some IsabelIssues. I'm working on them.)
It's official: I can stand Michael when he's with Maria. I'll say that again, 'cause it's kind of an important condition: *When he's with Maria*. He's almost funny (okay, he's good at banter), and I don't loathe him anywhere near as much as I normally do. I still can't figure out why he should be King, though. Maybe Courtney was just high. And Brendan, two words: Jenny. Craig. ("But Gale," you say, "isn't that a bit hypocritical of you?" Well, no, because I am not on The WB. He *is*. He knows the rules; he should be playing by them, like everyone else.)
Maria kicks ass once again. I think it's the hair -- though, for the record, y'all might want to think about toning the curls down; I think they were developing language skills by the end. Other than that, not much, really. Damn. She and Michael are cute, but I still think she deserves better. Like a redhaired Englishman, perhaps. I'm just sayin'.
Rating: 4 out of 5. Loses a point for the Candy focus and the pillow fight, but gains a point because of Liz, having Michael *not* annoy me, and the fact that it's almost done.
Next episode: Max goes commando and Alex is on-screen for "How the Other Half Lives", part 4 of The Hybrid Chronicles. (Yes! Last one! Whoo!) Witness the final fate of Laurie and Grant, and maybe -- just maybe -- everyone will get more than ten seconds of screen time. Will Jim get his job back? I'm guessing yes, but I haven't heard any spoilers, so we'll just have to wait and see. February 19. Be there.