Written by David Simkins
Directed by Bruce Seth Green|
This week: Isabel and Jesse's wedded bliss meets a few false starts -- namely Kivar, Max and Michael. Meanwhile, back in Roswell, Philip starts investigating "that small blonde girl [his] son was hanging around with last year", and Liz finds an incriminating pegboard. No, really. Special guest appearance by Alyson Hannigan's black contact lenses as Vilandra.
Man. Kyle's like a foot shorter than Isabel.
Ooh. Max loading a car. Very, very pretty. More, please.
Dude, these kids are tired. You're teenagers! Have some damn caffeine!
"No, you tell them after I'm gone." Way to pass the buck, Chesty McBusterson.
"I get one honeymoon." Yeah, and I don't think you're paying for it, so shut the hell up.
"I'm all for denial as a way of life." Amen, little man.
Ok, I can stand Max's LA hair if he's in a dress shirt.
ScruffyMax! LA version! Um. Y'all need to quit confusing me with the nummy.
"I can't believe she didn't tell you about Kivar." "What?" "About Kivar. What, did I say his name wrong?" Hee. Kyle rocks when he's being sarcastic.
Maria, don't woof Kivar.
"Son of a bitch killed us." No! No he didn't!
"We were all killed, including Isabel." And Tess. Say Tess. Please say Tess.
"...and we're gonna kill him." You guys have school! School!
La Jolla? Wasn't I promised Paris for this honeymoon? If I have to sit through the most boring couple EVER having the honeymoon MY Max and Liz should be having, it's going to be in goddamn f**king Paris.
Ok, you know what? I totally don't buy Isabel as a virgin. I just -- I don't. I can't. I'm sorry. I'm having Cordelia-retcon flashbacks.
Jesse, how much did you pay for that hotel room? 'Cause it's not that great. The La Quinta across the street from me is way, waaaay better. And when you unscrew the bolt to hook in a VCR, you somehow unscramble the porn.
"We're going to be married for a long, long time." i.e., the rest of this season. maybe. if Darth likes him.
Jeff and Philip are talking? What parallel universe is this? And shouldn't I be hearing the Mirrorball version of Fumbling Towards Ecstasy right now? Max and Liz should be holding hands as they enter the Crashdown.
Jesse looks at a sleeping Isabel. Smother her, Jesse! There are pillows right there! No one would ever convict you!
Um. Jesse's in the steam room. Is this gonna turn into gay porn in a minute? 'Cause when I said I wanted porn, maybe I should have been more specific.
Ooh. Creepy music. Oh, wait, I'm wrong.
Long plane ride, and her makeup's *still* great.
"...and the way they were skulking around reminded me of us." Hee! I like Maria when she's not with Michael.
Did John Doe lose a bet with the hairdresser? Piss the guy off? *What*? Apologize now, John. Men your age don't need bangs.
Hey. Anyone else remember Nancy? Anyone? Is this thing on?
Kivar's all beefy and bohunky and not terribly attractive. Short of Alex, Isabel has no taste in men.
So who the hell just invites a guy to sit with him and his *new wife* on their *honeymoon*?
f**k! Where do I know this guy from? Crap crap crap. This is gonna bug me all night.
So...Vilandra had slicked-back wet seal hair. Huh. Good to know.
"One night I lost her." Lost her. Got her killed. It's such a fine line.
Dammit! Someone give Bill a subplot, and give him one right now!
Ok, why the hell is Philip *now* investigating Tess's disappearance? Who forwarded him a memo? And why can't I help but think that someone put him on this trail on purpose?
Dude! Philip totally didn't know Tess's name! woo!
Jim's just not a good liar, is he?
What the hell kind of hotel is this? Are these people swingers? It's your honeymoon! Why the f**k are y'all hanging out with "kevin" so much anyway?
Judging by the head on his beer, Kivar's drinking a lipton iced tea.
So, what, now Kivar can inflict debilitating stomach cramps on innocent humans? Why didn't any of *our* podsters get that one? That's got to be at least as handy as dreamwalking.
So, apparently, the royal palace of Antar was a giant Calvin Klein set, and Vilandra had even worse fashion sense than Tess. Wow. Is it wrong of me to not be terribly upset that they all got whacked?
See? Liz remembers plotlines. You have cellphones! Use 'em! God, do I need to draw y'all a map?
Stop! Stop with the ass flashbacks!
"Oh, Jesse, hurry." I fear I can no longer resist the
siren lure of my alien lover from a previous lifetime,
as erroneously stated numerous times by the schmucks
who call themselves a writing team for this show! I
feel the vapors coming on! Hurry, Latino husband in my
current lifetime, hurry! Hurry, noble warrior born of
the House of Ramirez!
Isabel, when your husband is stuck in the bathroom on your honeymoon, the appropriate response is not to go out to the pool and f**k someone blind. Oh, wait, we're dealing with you. my bad.
"It's a new mode of transit, something we've been working on." It's called a scooter.
Why does Katie get to be snogged by numerous men in a season and Shiri doesn't? Who, exactly, has Katie been f**king to get the cool storyline?
So. Stranger named Kevin. Drinks a lot; inserts himself into conversations that have nothing to do with him; snogs Katie Heigl. Dude, this is a KKB shout-out, isn't it?
See, it's weird. I feel like I should be way more into this subplot than I am, and it's not even like it's a bad one. It's marginally interesting. it's just...dead f**king dull.
Ok, Isabel looks tempted to go with Kivar. Remind me to beat her for this later.
"No. I love you, but I gotta go." Cute. Really late, but cute. Can we see more of this? Please? PLEASE?
"is michael ok?" Maria, shut the f**k up.
Have none of you people ever lied in your life? EVER? Do you know the meaning of the verb "to lie" in such a context as to mean "to tell an untruth"? Jesus.
"Hi." "We're here to kill your boyfriend." Cue the wacky music! And someone get me a drink!
"But she isn't gone, Max! She's still inside of me!" Someone get me a gun. NOW. Get me a gun, and lead me towards Paramount Studios. See if I can't get me an audition with that nice Frakes fellow, yessiree.
"What if something goes wrong, and you need me there?" Anyone else think this is how Vilandra got Zan killed back in the day?
"And then what?" "I'm gonna get a t-shirt printed up. We're gonna kill him, Isabel!" Why is Michael getting the decent lines this ep?
Jesse, I think if you drive to Mexico, you can get a quickie divorce before dawn. Here, take my car.
Um. So Jesse knows. She's totally going to get him killed, isn't she?
"Some people know. Like *his* girlfriend." "And his." See? Was that complicated? No. No, it wasn't. Of course, the problem becomes that it's easier to see that the plot is ass, but in a very streamlined, simple way.
Jesse's running like a deer. Normal human reaction.
Oh, f**k! Fakeout!
Since when the hell does Jeff smoke? Did I miss a meeting?
Liz needs to get the Cordelia hair back.
I think I like isabel's flowery-strappy dress. Oh, wait, no, it's a top. But still.
Max, in no way does your description of being on "vacation" make it sound like you and Michael are having kinky gay sex. Really.
Wow. Yeah, I'd trust isabel with anything ever after this. Except that I totally, totally wouldn't.
So we get to Antar using the highly technological method of cherry trees?
Michael, cut your losses. Just blow Isabel's head off. Save everyone some time.
So Isabel's Vilandra when she's got Willow's scary Darksider eyes.
No! No, it's not Zan! He's still recovering from getting hit by a truck in New York last season!
Wow. Great timing with the memory there, Mikey G.
Even if Vilandra *didn't* kill Zan, having her "personality" (oh, don't even get me started) camped out in the back of Isabel's skull makes Isabel a tactical liability. Therefore, she should be killed, immediately if not sooner.
Oh! And the magical power of love wakes Isabel up! Just like in a Disney movie, except crappy!
Man, Max's "Nooooooo!" just came out of nowhere, didn't it? I was giggling. I shouldn't be giggling during the denouement, people.
Well, good. Denny didn't get killed. Good for him. He's already having a better week than everyone else on this damn show.
Aw. Jesse's a brave little lawyer toaster. I don't give a crap about him, but I think I might feel a twinge of something approximating sadness when he gets killed.
"Do you wanna do something about that?" Yes. I'd like to get stinking drunk and watch Max and Liz roll all over each other and be cute. But unfortunately, I'm stuck with the two of you.
Ooh. Cords in Max's neck. Want. to. bite.
Yay! Liz's outfit doesn't entirely suck! And neither does her hair! And she's apparently discarded the J-Lo earrings. This one's a keeper.
My God. The man made a pegboard. That's some research, right there. And moderately creepy.
Jesus! They had sex! Ease up on the heavy breathing, huh?
"I've got only three words for you." Yeah, me too: kill me now. I like mine better.
Jesse...ok, I don't like him. The only reason he's even on the show is to love Isabel. Which is great for him (or not so great, as history has shown us), but it doesn't actually make up for having, you know, a personality of his own. He gets points for shoving "Kevin" away from his wife, but loses 'em for marrying a 19-year-old four months after he met her. I felt his frustration at Isabel's near-panic attacks, but you'd think he'd have noticed he married a princess (in all senses of the word) a lot sooner. Still, when Kivar inevitably returns and kills him off as a sweeps stunt, I might even feel bad. Worse than I did when Grant got killed, certainly.
I thought for a minute that the flyer Maria would
found would be for Tess going missing, not Denny.
Whew. Dodged a bullet there, didn't we? (Though,
according to rumor and some things Darth has said,
TPTSuck are trying to get Emilie back for a guest
appearance or two, so we're not really out of the
woods yet. We're Into the Woods, even.
Michael's still being an asshole, yeah, but I can't entirely disagree with his first instinct -- namely, to kill Kivar. He's thinking more and more in terms of protection, which means that his immediate reaction is "kill it! Kill it now!" Which, tactically, is good, but if he'd been thinking like that during the pilot, Liz and Maria would be dead. He's really gotta learn to rein that impulse in. And someone's gotta talk to David Simkins about how to write two lying male characters. Did the vacation explanation sound like a recipe for kinky gay sex to anyone else, or am I just really, really tired?
And now, for the Coldblooded Bitch portion of this week's review:
We now know that Vilandra, at least in part, lives in the back of Isabel's head -- and not just as memories, as (seemingly) is the case with Max and Michael. Vilandra can take control of Isabel, and doesn't seem to be harboring any bad feelings towards Kivar; if anything, she seems vaguely horked at Max and Michael. It's safe to assume that Isabel's "you come back, I'll kill you myself" aside, Kivar *will* be coming back at some point. He know where the Pod Squad is; he (presumably) knows who their friends/loved ones/allies are. Isabel is now at least as much of a tactical liability as the Antichrist. It's been demonstrated that around Kivar, it is entirely possible that Vilandra can take possession of Isabel and act against Isabel's express wishes (i.e., flinging Max and Michael). Therefore, I see absolutely no problem in advocating that the next time they're in a crisis situation and Vilandra takes control of Isabel, Isabel's head should be torn from her body. And no, that's not a bit much. If someone's going to run the risk of getting possessed and betraying me, you know what? That someone is not going to be in a position affording them the power to *open a f**king door*, let alone to betray me. f**k it. It's war, Isabel, and clearly some part of you can't be trusted. So you and Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer can just go raise your 2.5 children in your house with the white picket fence house, and the rest of the gang -- you know, the ones I *don't* hate? -- can do the dirty work. Obviously, you can't.
(That said, it *does* pose an interesting, if crappily plotted proposition: maybe the Rebel sex wasn't a mindwarp. Fine. It pisses me off, but fine. That just means my new defense mechanism will be "Max was possessed by Zan [the dead one, not the Dupe] when he and Tess f**ked." You want to deny us coping mechanisms, TPTSuck? Fine. We'll just come up with new ones. Those of us still hanging around are some desperate motherf**kers.)
Am I being too hard on Isabel? No. No, I don't think that I am, because she is still making the same stupid-ass mistakes she made the first two years: not telling anyone *anything*, and expecting to take care of it all herself, and you know what? She can't. She is not fundamentally capable of it. She's been the "good girl" her entire life; the one obsessed with fitting in by being perfect and beautiful and popular, and that's carried over to the present (determined to have the perfect wedding, the perfect honeymoon, etc.). She doesn't seem to get what everyone else has accepted, to varying degrees: she is an alien. More importantly, she is alien royalty. She has a responsibility to her people, whether she likes it or not; in the short term, she has a responsibility to Max, Michael, Liz, Maria, Kyle and Jim. Maybe Jesse's not a bad guy, but he doesn't come first; he *can't* come first, and for her to try and ignore everything else in her life is incredibly selfish. And, as we all know, selfishness gets people killed. By "people", of course, I mean "guys who are interested in Isabel".
And while we're on the subject...look, Writers, y'all need to stop confusing terminology in scripts. Max, Michael and Isabel are *hybrids*; you've said as much yourselves. You wrote four episodes around it, for godsakes. They were cloned using human DNA and DNA (or the Antarian equivalent) of members of the royal family. Obviously, Antarian DNA has commonalities with human RNA -- specifically, memory RNA, as there is no other way that the hybrids could in any way, shape or form have memories from their Antarian half's previous lifetime. However, Writers, y'all have Isabel being "taken over" by Vilandra, and waaaay back in "Destiny", Holomom said that the Royal Four were reincarnations of the Royal Family of Antar. Now, unless by her referring to them as "reincarnations", y'all were trying to make a statement that Antarian religion takes precendence to science and Antar genuinely believes that these are Zan, Vilandra, Rath and Ava reincarnated -- which, for those of you keeping track at home, is total bullshit -- y'all have totally screwed up. The six (seven? eight? Who knows anymore?) of you need to lock yourselves in a hotel room and hammer out a damn story bible for this show. Better yet, hire a continuity editor. I can think of no less than *50* people who are qualified for the job, and most of us know ass-all about TV. Quit being sloppy. Get it right. You won't be warned again.
This has, in fact, been a public service announcement. We now return you to your regularly scheduled bitching and moaning, already in progress.
Liz and Max are, once again, in the middle of two entirely different plots. Max is with Michael, trying to stop Kivar, while Liz is Nancy Drewing her way around town and trying to throw Philip off whatever scent he seems to have found -- which, apparently, smells a lot like skanky alien teen spirit. (Honestly, the pegboard? Only even remotely creepy part about the episode. Apparently, Phil's been at this for a while.) She's going to have to step up her efforts if she wants to throw him off -- and judging from the scenes for next week, that's not gonna happen in time. The "I love you, but I gotta go" was a nice touch, if a bit too brief for my tastes. You know what would be nice? Getting them in the same scene together. Man, that'd be weird to see, wouldn't it? It'd be like watching another show.
Maria -- well, Maria wanted to know if Michael was ok. He's fine, Maria. Now shut up 'til next week. God knows we won't be able to shut her up, based on the clips I've seen.
Kivar doesn't come across as creepy as I'd have
figured he would when we finally saw him, which is a
bit disappointing. It's a bad sign when you're
outcreeped by a 15-year-old. (Nicholas, come back! We
love you!) There's also no explanation for how he
caused Jesse's stomach cramps (and why didn't *our*
aliens get that one? That could come in handy
sometimes, dammit), or exactly how a silvery beam of
light can transport you across hundreds or thousands
of light-years. It'd be nice if y'all
Kyle, as evidenced by this week, does very, very well
when he actually *has something to do*. He gets in
most of the funny lines ("About Kivar? What, did I say
his name wrong or something?"), and gets to serve as
Exposition Lad -- Kivar was at the wedding, Philip's
nosing around about Tess, blah blah. I'm not liking
the sideburns, but Nick Weschler *rules*. He needs to
get a plot, too. And maybe some time taking his shirt
Jim well. Jim needs a plot even more than Kyle, and I don't mean the Kit Shickers. He also needs to learn how to lie. I'm sorry, but he did a damn good job of it all through first season and half of second; around The Hybrid Chronicles, he just...forgot how, and hasn't remembered since. This is not a Good Thing. Someone get this man lessons stat!
Next week: Stuff blows up! Michael gets upset! Maria shows us further proof of her terrible taste in men, and possibly sings! Candygirls get a taste of what Dreamgirls have been choking back for a year now: bitter, painful tears! All that, *and* Inappropriate Family Bonding, on "Behind the Music".