Written by David Simkins|
Directed by Patrick Norris
This week: In which Michael takes one step closer to that lifetime membership to Big Al's Mobile Home Community; Maria's metamorphosis into the Shrill Death Beast From New Mexico continues apace; Max and Liz start to look more and more Verona-esque with every scene; and something happens with Isabel and Jesse that might involve a proposal. I'm not sure. I had to keep poking myself with a stick to stay awake. Also: Alex returns for the last time ever, just in time to break my heart all over again. Join me, won't you?
Drunken Slayers, kitten poker, and arguments over who's the best Bond. Who doesn't love Buffy? "Magic bone." Hee.
Oh, God. Giles is giving Buffy money. Stay forever, Tony! We love you! You can't leave!
Wow. Enterprise. 5 weeks in, and I still don't quite care. Though Scott Bakula is rather nummy.
Quit taunting me with the Dido!
Previouslys: Lord, I hate John Doe. I don't want to, but I could totally punch him in the face right now. AAAGH! Alex! Fuckers! Taunting fuckers! I need a hug.
Ew! Back away from the camera, Rodriguez, and no one gets hurt.
Katie, a word of advice. Pink? Not your color.
And everyone is now officially getting some except for Liz. I hate this show. No, really, I kinda do. Asses. And the background music sucks again.
So, Isabel's at the movies with a guy. Could Laurie get buried alive again? It would break the monotony.
"I wish real life could be like that." Darth, you need to quit with the fucking meta statements. Like I don't already have plenty of reasons to hate you.
Ok, so I'm guessing it's gonna be all Isabel, all the time this week. So, does that mean I get the week off? 'Cause I could use a week off. Three weeks in, and I *need a week off*.
Paris. Um. Someone wake me when something happens,
Honey, don't look so startled. It's a marriage proposal. Sure you should say yes! Teenage marriages *always* work out!
Credits: So, apparently I cannot be until you're resting here with me. Um. Right.
Wow. Ring in a box.
Oh my God! I dig Alex's new hair. Damn, I miss Colin Hanks.
"Did I *say* fries?"
Maria has Courtney hair.
Ok, Maria? Shut. The fuck. Up. I do not *even* have the energy to start yelling at you, but I might need to draw on my dwindling energy reserves to muster up some vitriol.
"Ow. That stings a little bit." Dead!Alex rocks, yo.
Michael and Maria get to be happy, and Liz is angry and rapidly becoming a Capulet.
Don't you kids have *school*? Why are you working? What time does this damn restaurant open? What the fuck is this, a Waffle House?
"You ever ask her to wear that uniform off-duty?" According to a lot of the fanfic, he has.
"If Michael proposed, would you say yes?"
Yeah, *those* two should breed.
"I'm gonna go next door and pick up some chicken wings." That sounds good. Philip, while you're out, get me some curly fries, ok?
It's a sad, sad day when the guy getting the best lines in the whole show has been dead for several months.
"I want to love you with the lights on." "Kinky." Hee! Come back, Alex! We missed you!
Technically, Isabel, Grant was killed first.
"...by that alien jellyfish thing." Oh my God! Was that a shout-out? I think it was. Go, me!
Hey, you wacky kids! Isn't this breaking the rules Jeff set down? Ooh, you law-breakers, you! Man, I have never wanted to see Sexual Healing more in my entire life.
"...help you find your child..." Oh, great. Here we go with *this* again.
Since when does Nancy get to be the voice of reason? What parallel reality have I slipped into?
"Whatever happened, we'll get through it." Why can't *Max* be the one saying this? Dammit, Simkins!
"I want to go to college." Didn't you just tell Maria about some "project" for your sociology class? Pick a story!
"You came to visit your mother, and you never left." Yeah. That sound a little weird, or is it just me?
I guess it's too much to hope that they really, honestly have broken up for always. I mean, I've seen spoiler pics.
Why does Kyle have old man hair? Even better question: why do these damn writers hate me?
Everyone who *doesn't* see the Kyle-falling-in-love-with-Isabel train wreck coming, line up for slaps. They're not even trying to not telegraph their moves anymore.
"What are you afraid of?" Having someone sneak up behind me when I'm leaning my head back and slit my throat. Your turn!
"We made a pact to never let anyone else in, ever." When was this? Where was I? Oh, right. Boycotting the last six. My bad.
And again with the fucking Snapple! How much money are they paying in product placement?
"I'm right here. Where's Saturday?" Stop it! Stop being cute by process of elimination!
"Where you're not, Michael, is with me." God, Maria, needy much? Maybe you didn't hear me the first time: Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
Hey, Eraser Room! How are you doing? Oh, me? Well, I've had better nights. We should go out for coffee some time, catch up on things. You've got my number.
Ok, seriously? Teachers totally wouldn't care about Max and Liz being in the Eraser Room, other than
"Can we just try not to talk about Max?" Sure, Isabel. Because it's All About You.
Isabel, don't act all startled. You broke up with him, and from all accounts, you were the only reason he was staying in town. God, I hate her.
Jeff, the eye bangs? Lose 'em.
Oh, *now* Maria cares.
"Impotence." "Is Max --"
Um, Jeff? I think the man's allowed to eat. Lord knows he could use a few more meals.
"I hate you." Seconded. Dude, I am *so* never buying any X albums.
Why is Rodriguez in a wifebeater? Don't you people *listen*? Max in a wifebeater, Michael in a t-shirt with a button-up shirt over it, Alex in a sweater, and Rodriguez can wear whatever he likes, as long as he does so in the comfort of Not Roswell, New Mexico.
"I think we both need to lay our cards on the table." Why? Is everyone playing kitten poker tonight?
Hee. Foosball. See? They're real live boys! I bet they burp, too. Like, oversize, exaggerated burps while watching sports.
"Are you pregnant?" After last year, that's kind of the question we need to start off with at all times.
"Do you know how humiliating this is for me?" Not as humiliating for me to have to watch it, dear.
Max, you can be scruffy allll you want. No problem here. Just don't wear brown shirts unless you A) shave, or B) lose the godawful highlights.
"How did you know to tell Liz?" Well, she kinda got FUCKING SHOT, Isabel. Or doesn't anyone remember the pilot but me? Besides y'all, I mean. Which is why I love you.
Brendan is eating in every scene. Honey, put down the burger and step away from the crafts services table. Slowly. Don't want you reattaching that person's worth of weight you successfully sloughed over the summer, now, do we?
Ok, the ring thing? Classy. Or as close to classy as this show gets, anyway.
"It's a 40-minute wait." That's nothing. Clearly, Mr. Ramirez, you've never seen Orlando's Macaroni Grill on a Friday night at 8 p.m. 40 minutes is how long you wait to get in *line*. Bring a book.
Maria picks the stupidest times to grow a spine. Remember Brody? He wasn't an ass! And you totally threw him away for this! *This*! Were you high? You were high, weren't you?
Michael's just gunning for that trailer park, isn't he?
See? Maria learned a Life Lesson. And no one had to die. Except for my soul.
"I'm an idiot." Which is what I've been saying for two years now.
Nancy, I'm sorry, but you're not that cool. I mean, you're a lot better than you were even last year, because apparently you and Jeff instituted some kind of Freaky Friday policy and didn't tell the rest of us, but your Cool-O-Meter could still use some work.
Jeff's backstory. Um. Totally saw it coming in spoilers. And it also doesn't mean that Max will end up like him, or that Max will get Liz killed. When they say "those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it", that doesn't apply to your kids. Also, it's a total bullshit redo of Liz's sister Rosa in the Roswell High books, except without the drugs.
"You made me alive." "I also killed you." No, Tess did that. Alex, honey, I know you're dead, but keep up, 'kay?
"We were victims of circumstance, that's all." If by "circumstance", you mean the Gandarium Queen and Tess Harding, then yes, Alex, you're right.
No! No more Shawn Colvin songs! I *like* Shawn Colvin! You *fuckers!*
"Do you have any poems that I could read?" Well, *that* was a non-sequiter.
"I don't hate you, Dad." That's right, Jeff. I'll do it for her.
"You're the poem, Liz."
You might have noticed by now that I haven't been commenting on the Isabel/Jesse situation for this act. This is because I enter a mild narcoleptic state when Katie Heigl and Adam Rodriguez are on-screen together. I can only assume everyone else does, too.
"What is wrong with me?" Do you have a few hours? It's kind of a long list.
"I'm such an idiot." Why is everyone agreeing with me tonight? Pam, can fictional characters read these things?
Katie, add "slicked back hair" to the list of Things You Should Never, Ever Do Again, right after "pink blouse" and "Jason Behr".
So, um, did Isabel and Jesse break up? I'm confused. Stupid incipient narcolepsy.
"If I ever have a son, I'm gonna name him Alex." Ok, so is Isabel gonna have the alien pregnancy this year? Again? It's foreshadowing, isn't it? Oh, God. Could the anvils please quit falling on me now?
Because she's a Girl With A Secret! And alien powers! And I could not care less if you paid me to!
Oh, great. No more Alex. Colin Hanks gets all of ten minutes of screen time, and I'm dying over here. This goddamn *show*.
So, um, wait. Are Max and Liz broken up? What about Nancy and Jeff? I think *I* might have just broken up with someone, and I'm not even dating anybody right now.
OBSERVATIONS:Ok. So. Um. You know how I've been saying for a while now that Isabel and Jesse are boring? Yeah.
No, really, they're *boring*. God, I wanted an IV of heroin just to get through their scenes. Granted, I haven't seen Adam Rodriguez in anything else, so I couldn't tell you if he's always this bad an actor, or if we're just really, really unlucky, but I shudder to think that he was the best of the bunch trying out for Jesse. Katie Heigl's usually at least decent, but something about Isabel and Jesse just sucks the life right out of her, which is obvious when contrasted with her scenes with Alex.
Oh, man. Alex. Loved the hair. Loved the sweater. Loved *Alex*. It was really, really obvious that I was in Colin Hanks withdrawl, as evidenced by my glee when he was on-screen for this one. We don't know what we've got 'til it's gone, and we didn't. And as many times as Alex says that he's just a part of Isabel, I can't believe that it's true. Part of him has to be *him*, on some metaphysical level (which I'm probably utterly fucking up, but it's late and the Diet Coke is wearing off), which means that part of him was staying behind. I'd prefer to think he wasn't staying around just for Isabel, but hey. Alex, I'm sorry I haven't gotten around to doing CYN yet. We're gonna miss you, baby. Here, take some cookies and another sweater; I hear that place gets cold, sometimes. Say hi to Miss Calendar and Zhaan for me, and write if you can.
Maria...I don't know. Every time Majandra's on-screen, I just want to turn the TV off and crank up my CD's, and this week wasn't an exception. She blows off Liz and gets pissy when Liz is suffering (amongst the whining, but we'll get to that). She snarks at everyone in sight. She harshes at Michael and is a general need/bitch machine, and then -- THEN -- learns a Valuable Life Lesson About The Nature of Friendship And What Michael Needs From People Who Aren't Her. Well, goody. Considering that every time she mentioned date night, she also mentioned clean sheets, I can't figure why it took her so long to learn that lesson, but anyway. Were I able, under current copyright laws, to treat her to a full-body Whatever, I would, but I can't. She'll just have to settle for me beating her over the head with a bottle of Dasani.
Michael needs to step away from the food. Run, don't walk. RUN. He also needs to stop bucking for membership in the abovementioned Big Al's Mobile Home Community. Dude, a bowling league? Read a book! Get a burger with the guys! *Bowling*? Kyle, honey, no, don't enable! Aw, man. That's two weeks in a row -- in a row, people! -- I didn't entirely hate Michael. This better not be a trend. I hate trends.
Kyle basically got the week off, though it's interesting that he and Michael are kind of becoming friends. Also, according to the script for last week's ep (hi, Michelle!), he and Tess *did*, in fact, have sex. Do with that what you will.
At some point over the summer, Jeff and Nancy apparently got into a huge fight around Hayley Mills, who decided to teach them a thing or two about spending a day in the other person's shoes, and that day has just never ended. It's the only way I can see them completely changing personalities from last year to this one. Either that, or that parallel reality I slipped into involves Nancy being the cool parent, and Jeff being the bitch. Um. Yeah, that reads weird.
Also, I know everyone kept saying this was the big
Max-and-Liz-break-up ep, but unless I missed a scene
that everyone else didn't, there was no breaking up.
There was no mention of breaking up, only cooling
down. And the last time Max and Liz cooled down,
remember, we got BD and SH a few weeks later.
(And if, by some weird-ass chance, someone forwards this to Darth, or he's on one of the same yahoogroups as I am, or whatever, listen up: There will be sex this year. Not between Michael and Maria; not between Jesse and Isabel; not between Kyle and whoever-the-hell. Between Max and Liz. I'll say that part again: Max. And. Liz. Nobody else can be there. Maria can't interrupt for a wacky emergency; Michael can't go into a weird-ass alien coma; Isabel can't come running in when her marriage starts to fail because of unwarranted Khivar-interruptus. They will have sex, and it will be lovingly filmed, and they will NOT break up the morning after, thankyouverymuch; they will, in fact, commandeer Michael's apartment and have pancakes, and Liz will wear Max's shirt, and tease him that he needs a shave. This will happen because I have been a very good girl. I may bitch and moan and complain compulsively, but you know what? I'm still here, Darth. I'm still here, and I'm not moving. You owe me. You owe *us*, and I expect to be paid in full. Just a heads-up.)
Next week: Los Angeles! If Max can make it there, he can go back to Roswell, get Liz, and make it with her there, too! Because, y'know, variety spices up a sex life, or so I hear. "Secrets & Lies". Be there.Gale