Written by Ronald D. Moore,
Directed by Fred Keller|
This week: In a Very Special Episode, Isabel and Jesse buck the odds on teenmarriage; Liz trades in Nelly Furtado for second-season Cordelia hair and makeup; Max starts a bar fight, while Jim and the Kit Shickers (*dude*) provide musical accompaniment -- sadly, *not* BNL; and Michael re-entacts the end of Act Three of VLV. Join me, won't you?
And now, a brief moment to pee myself over the end of
No previouslys, but we *do* get cute graphics. Kill me. Is it *really* this important?
God, Izzy, impatient much? Methinks this is why you don't have girlfriends.
I bet her human genetic donor's ancestor actually *was* a Nazi.
Isabel. It's been all day. GET. OUT. They're kind of trying to close, bitch.
"I'm sorry for being such a bitch today." Well, at least she's apologizing for it. That's a first.
"It's for the rest of your life." Hahahahahahaha. Clearly, neither of you have actually seen this show.
"What if I had to marry Max?" Liz, don't say that like it's a bad thing, honey. Or am I the only one who remembers the beginning of EotW?
Um. Khivar's human form. Ewwww. I hate to say it, but she's doing better with Jesse.
I appear to have songs from Buffy! The Musical! stuck in my head. If it gets me through this ep faster, I say bravo. Brava, even.
More wacky graphics. Still! Not! Wacky!
Ooh. He's a rock star. Watch. Me. Care. Oh, wait. Don't call him gomer, fuckwad.
Kyle, honey, lose the sideburns.
"They say you should witte down your dreams as soon as you wake up."
"I literally had to take a cold shower." Ew! Ew! TMI!
Kyle's little dance. Giggle. I heart that boy.
"God, I hate cellphones." See? Kyle and I are twins. Except for the sideburns.
Dude, I have never been that cold to my parents *ever*, not even those times our neighbors called the cops for trespassing.
Of course you're coming! I saw the previews!
Max, honey, lose the hair. Ow. I miss the highlights. Come back, Feria! Daddy still loves you!
"How was Los Angeles?" "Not quite what I expected." Read: "I was written as a complete fucking tool by writers who hate me, and I made a short brunette girl in Central Florida want to strangle me. Again."
Yeah. There's noooo lingering tension between Jason & Katie since they broke up. Yeeeah. And it's not bleeding over into their characters at allll. Jason & Shiri, on the other hand, seem fine.
Y'all don't even look like the same people you did when the show started. I can't be the only one that's depressing.
Breasts! And, um, Katie.
Her hair looks like crap slicked back. Like a seal, but not as attractive.
The last time I saw a dreamscape like that, I was watching a Duran Duran video. I want to say "Rio", but I know that's not right. I *know* it's not "Girls on Film".
In no way is Khivar invaded Isabel's dreams and giving her flashbacks to what was undoubtedly one of their last conversations before the fall of Antar to his evil regime! Heavens, no!
More graphics. Wow. So I'm guessing Bill won't be on to pay for these, then?
Again with the windows! Jeez, don't houses in Roswell have doors?
Isabel, this is why you don't get married IN TWO WEEKS. You have time to plan these things OVER THE COURSE OF A YEAR. It's your own fault, and I can't feel sorry for you. Not much of a Nazi, are you, with the lack of planning?
"You just start with everything. I gotta go." Hate her. Hate. Her.
Maria, don't you guys have to work? Isn't that why you're in uniforms? Where's Agnes? Isn't she back from that fucking smoke break yet?
Mmn. Tuxedo Max. Yummy. And he's a little scruffy, too. Black T. Unbuttoned dress shirt. He could...ok, fuck, I want to cry. I'm overtaxed here, people.
Yes, because *that's* how she gets at Max: by catering Isabel's wedding. Dickweed.
Oh my God. They made a CD. How utterly wrong is that? I bet it's got a cutesy name, too.
Aww. Very, very sweet. Ill-timed, and it should be Maria, not Isabel, asking Jim to give her away, but sweet.
Oh. He manages Ivy. Wow. Wow. I hate Ivy. Can't he manage Fisher? That would kill me even more.
Why is Mariah Carey stripping at Jesse's bachelor party? I mean, I knew she'd fallen on hard times, but *man*.
And how the fuck did Max and Michael get in? Aren't they minors? Well, Michael, anyway.
Michael, did you learn *nothing* in Las Vegas? Oh, wait, look who I'm talking to. Duh.
"So, I hear you used to work for the FBI." Oh, that's subtle, Max. Subtle like a train wreck. Subtle like Isabel's cleavage last season.
I'm spending waaay too much time critiquing these strippers. I need to lay off the G-String Divas on HBO.
He's got magic balls! God, I've lost my mind, haven't I? Does anyone else see the vapor trails?
You know what's killing me? The angrier Jesse gets, the more pronounced his Latino accent gets.
He just said "jerkoff"! Rock!
We have officially achieved Bar Fight in New Mexico Status, people! Whoo! Chairs are being thrown!
Look at Max's shirt! It's all torn and hot and ripped! Collarbone! Want. To. Lick.
Ok, if Max is going to the wedding, the whole family didn't bail, now did it?
Ron, you used to write for Star Trek. What happened? You've gone to ass, buddy. *Ass*.
I have songs from that goddamn Buffy Musical stuck in my head. It's been *four* *days*. Bad brain! Bad!
How could you not let him talk about money? It's the really good Pink Floyd song on The Wall. People, you know it's a bad night when I'm namechecking Pink Floyd *and* Duran Duran.
What the fuck? Isabel, you're an alien! Magic the dress and yahoo let's get on with it!
Tonight, the part of Mrs. Ramirez will be played by Speedy Gonzalez. No, that's not a racial slur.
Max, I think the steak only helps if you apply it right after, not *ten hours later*.
Max and the Magical Beefsteak. Sounds like a children's book, doesn't it? Hey, maybe they can put the steak in a children's oncology ward and watch it work a Christmas miracle!
Where'd they get the small child? Is that Sydney? No, wait. And where the fuck is Brody?
No reaction to Max seeing Liz in her bridesmaid dress. Bastards.
So Isabel's middle name is Amanda. Huh. I always assumed it was Diane. Damn fanon.
And Jesse's middle name is Esteban. Because, for everyone who's missed it so far, HE IS OF LATIN DESCENT. Wow. Thanks, Ron. Clears that right up.
I want to see dancing at this fucking reception, yo.
The stars! You came from the stars! Christ, we've been watching. We *know*.
Now I totally want to write a Roswell children's novel called "Max and the Magical Beefsteak", and give it out to people as my Seasonal Holiday gifts this year. I think I need another week off!
Are...are you crying? There's no crying in this man's army!
Oh, she's gonna sing. Kill me. Because God forbid a season goes by without Maria bursting into song.
My God. I think we just spontaneously saw Liz grow a pair. You *go*, girl.
It's ok, Max, he won't hit you. *I* might, but he won't.
Oh. Khivar. Hi. Did anyone else *not* see this coming from the Bahamas? I don't think TPTSuck should be allowed to telegraph plot points anymore. I knew he was gonna be at the reception, like, a month ago, and for once I'm not being sarcastic. "Tighter spoiler policy this season", my sweet, sweet ass.
Khivar looks like James Van Der Beek. That is not a look any man wants to cultivate.
Aaaand the final MS count -- none! The Antichrist wasn't mentioned once! Whoo!
OBSERVATIONS:Can I just say, from the great state of Florida, that we are *totally* not responsible for losing Isabel's dress? It was the postal system. Really. In no way were we trying to delay the utter and total boredom that was Isabel's wedding.
Seriously, that was this week's major problem: boredom. I know I've said that Isabel and Jesse were boring, and I meant it; still do, actually. But this week, the boredom just sort of...seeped into everyone else. Yeah, the wedding *looked* pretty, especially for one thrown together in about a week, but you can wrap up an empty box in really, really pretty paper without, you know, putting anything *in* the box. I know we were supposed to get all teary-eyed and wistful at how beautiful the wedding was, and how much Isabel and Jesse *really*, *truly* love each other, but all I could think was "Clock's ticking, Ramirez." I will honestly be very surprised if he survives the season. (Also, did anyone else notice that the angrier he got at Max, the more pronounced his previously-nonexistent accent got?)
Also, the Khivar thing could have been handled waaay better than it was. Slicked-back hair. Billowing drapery. Off-the-shoulder dress. Yes, because Antar really *does* look like a Duran Duran video from the 1980s. Everyone totally saw his showing up at the reception from, like, Guatemala, right? I really, really wish Darth and Co. hadn't let it slip that Khivar was going to show up at the reception; it could have possibly, maybe been a nice little quiet evil surprise, and instead I was looking around at the crowd for Random Blond Evil Alien Guy, and I don't appreciate that. I could have spent that valuable time admiring Maria's dress, or muttering for Liz to lose some of that bloody eye makeup, or for Max to get his ScruffyHair back immediately.
Wow. Ivy played. If I'd *heard* of Ivy before last season, I would have been impressed. I would have been more impressed if they hadn't been the band that played when Liz saw Max and Tess kissing, and subsequently ran to the bowling alley with Sean, in HOM. God, why don't you just get Fisher to play "I Will Love You"? Because there's just not enough negative connotations with the music on this show, thanks.
Can Kyle get a damn plotline? Please? And shave off his sideburns? Those things aren't winning you style points, Valenti. Lose 'em.
Bill got the week off again, except for all of three scenes, but he gets to play with the band, and I can't bring myself to hate his voice. He's no Tony Head, but he doesn't suck, either. It's very sweet to see him smile and agree to walk Isabel down the aisle (which is nice and all, but not the best choice. Isabel, when was the last time you voluntarily *talked* to Valenti? Admit it: you chose him because he's an older adult male. Oh, wait, under those criteria your fiance could walk you down the aisle. My bad), and to step aside when Philip shows up -- and, yeah, saw that one coming, too. Didn't we all?
Michael and Maria continue to...not annoy me anywhere near as much as they should be by this point. This disturbs and confounds me. I liked Maria's dress. Michael actually got some good lines -- "You tested his blood to see if he was an *alien*?" "And he passed!" Hee! Funny -- including arguably the best one of the night, "All we know for certain is who we are in *this* life." Which, hi, I've been saying for TWO YEARS, and will be addressing in a little bit...but dammit, why am I agreeing with *Michael*? I don't even hate him that much for basically starting the bar fight, even though it's the samn damn thing he did at the end of VLV! Have I been slipped something? Are these the vapors? 'Cause they don't feel like the vapors. All I know is, I can't bring myself to hate them the same way I did last year, and it irks me.
Liz -- ok, apparently she *did* keep some of that backbone she borrowed from some outside source last week. She doesn't throw a temper tantrum or pout or do anything stupid; she calmly tells her father that she's going to dance with Max, and she loves him, and they're going to be together. She doesn't brook any argument -- and, surprisingly, Jeff doesn't give one. (Though he might have; I was momentarily distracted by his godawful tie.) She and Max get all of one scene together -- *one*! Yes, I was counting -- and I wasn't a whomping fan of her dress, but I was mollified. Fuck, maybe I *have* been slipped something.
You *know* it's a boring week when not even the sight of Max in a tux can make me excited. (Except for when he was being fitted for said tux, and had the black-t under the partially unbuttoned dress shirt and jacket. Mmrow. Me likee.) I liked the speech at the reception, yeah, but again -- no warmth. No feeling. And that's not Jason's fault, it's just the whole damn episode. Isabel and Jesse getting an A-plot does absolutely nothing for me. Michael and Maria getting an A-plot would probably do more, since I have emotions invested in them (albeit mostly negative ones, like anger and disappointment). Memo to Darth: we need more than one scene of Max and Liz together, shot overhead from the world's smallest crane. Can they get dialogue together that doesn't involve the dread words? Please?
And now, Isabel. God, where to start. First: what, am I supposed to feel bad for you? Oh, your parents don't approve of you getting married. Oh, boo-freaking-hoo. You're marrying a man eight years older than you, who you've known for all of four months, who you met and started a relationship with after the last two guys you were involved with *died*, and someone you considered a friend boned your brother as part of a dastardly plot to take you to your home planet and be executed as soon as you set foot on it. You decide to forego waiting until, like, May, instead going for the plan-it-in-two-weeks-and-hope-to-God-everything-works-out school of wedding preparation. I'm surprised everything turned out as well as it did. (And for a wedding that was thrown together in a fortnight, it looked pretty fucking good. Small, but not tacky. Kudos for that, anyway. I smell a future as the Wedding Nazi.)
Second: did you *really* think Max and Michael weren't going to be all Hardy Boys and check Mr. Ramirez out? Please. *I* wasn't surprised, and you've known them longer than I have.
Third: I am so tired of this alien/human who-am-I? conundrum, you would not believe. Once again, I'm forced into the awkward position of agreeing with Michael: "All we know for certain is who we are in this life." Yes. Yes yes yes, a thousand times yes. I've only been saying that for a year now; good to hear *someone on the show* agree with me. It's obvious to everyone -- ok, everyone but Isabel -- that what she was remembering in the Simon LeBon-esque dreamscape *wasn't* something that had happened to her; it happened to Vilandra, in the Year of Our Lord Whenever The Hell, and she happens to carry Vilandra's memories. Listen up, Writers, 'cause I only want to have to say this once: *That does not mean she is Vilandra.* She has Vilandra's genetic material, and genetic material from an as-yet unknown human female; throw 'em in a test tube, and bam! Isabel Amanda Evans. It doesn't mean she's going to betray them *again*, because as far as we know, she hasn't betrayed them *once*, which needs to happen before she can betray them *again*. Isabel -- actually, Max and Michael, too -- need to wise up and realize that they are their own, separate, distinct personalities. They're not beholden to history, except in the "if you don't learn something from it, you're doomed to repeat it" sense. Michael and Isabel don't *have* to be together; Max doesn't *have* to be an asshole; Isabel doesn't *have* to betray her family and friends for Khivar.
Ok, so, is this actually Khivar taking over someone else's body? Did he clone one and ship it to Earth via UPS? When the fuck did he get here? And would he kindly mind telling me whether or not the Antichrist, hungry for power and the blood of its progenitors, ate Tess as soon as it crawled its way out of her womb?
So, yeah, boring. Worth rewatching for a decent bar fight, and Michael's good lines -- I know, I know, they're killing me over here -- if you can stand slogging through the boredom. Or, you know, just hit fast-forward.
Next week: According to TV Guide, "After their idyllic wedding, Isabel and Jesse are stalked on their honeymoon by her alien lover Khivar, who plots to take her back to their home planet. Learning of the nefarious intrigue, Max and Michael arrive intent on destroying the interloper. Meanwhile, Liz and Maria discover that Philip has begun a secret investigation of Max and the disappearance of Tess." Man. That's wordy. "Interruptus". See you then.Gale