Written by Gretchen J. Berg & Aaron Harberts |
Directed by - bugger. Didn't quite catch that one.
This week: The countdown to the series finale starts with a bang - if by "a bang", you mean "Michael inherits Max's powers through a really stupid plothole, acts like an ass, and generally makes me want to kill him, if that's possible, more than most weeks". Also, Maria's still a bitch - shock! surprise! - Liz and Max *still* aren't back together, and Max gets his powers back. Really, I don't think that's a spoiler. Join me, won't you?
All right, this one's a week late. Stupid Orlando and its stupid NBA Playoffs.
Previously, on Roswell: a whole lot of stuff happened, most of it involving Morgan Fairchild and Jason with reeeeally big bags under his eyes.
Look! Jason and Shiri in a scene together! Clearly, I am watching scenes from first season.
Ohhh, this is gonna have a crappy explanation, isn't it?
"I married Isabel Evans. There is no Isabel Evans." Uh, yeah there is. You're looking at her.
AAAGH! The Mayor! It's The Mayor! Don't sucker me by getting cool guest stars, Roswell! Look what you did to poor Joey Pants!
"What we discuss in this session stays between you and me." I give that five minutes.
Dammit, Harry! Break out a wacky joke and eat a giant spider, huh?
Ok, aliens as Mafia: hee. Very tiny one, but still.
I kind of wish Jesse'd been talking to Max's therapist from S&B.
"...like you always do." Man. Three minutes in, and I hate Michael. I believe that's a record. You could learn something from him, Captain Impulsive.
Brendan, no! Cover that shit up, yo! See, now I know G&A wrote this. Because - say it with me - they hate me.
Sidebar: anybody else want to rent a couple amps, wait 'til Majandra has a show, and then start blaring "Here With Me" when she starts to sing? It'd be worth getting thrown out to see her face turn that color.
The Roswell soundtrack? Not bad. Also, the extras that come with it are neat. And I really like the "Fear" remix.
I don't think the season finale's a "shocking"
John Doe! Not being a complete asshole! Though he needs a haircut. And I kind of like that Jimmy Eat World song.
So, even though her marriage is starting to collapse, Isabel makes sure to wear plenty of makeup and give herself sassy new hair. Good to know some things really *don't* change.
God, Jesse, she wasn't born a man. She's an alien. So she can change the colors of things and fix toast without a toaster. You haven't been fucking a girl with a dick for six months straight. Let it go.
Jesse, no. No more 'beaters for you. Isabel. Ruffles? Not so much.
Fucking *talk* to the girl, Ramirez. You're kind of married to her.
See, Jesse, if Isabel were there, she could wave her hand and totally fix your car. Maybe aliens are weird, but they save on garage bills.
"I've taken auto shop, Jesse." Hee. And since when?
"I've been in therapy before." When did you stop, anyway? 'Cause maybe it's time to go back.
"Have you been spying on me?" Well. Yes.
Hey, Michael. Thought you couldn't find your healing stones.
"I'm in charge." Everyone hear that? That's the sound of people on Antar - still oppressed by Khivar - screaming at the mere thought of the alternative.
Uh, Jesse? She's really no different, except now you know she's got nifty powers. Again, she wasn't born with a dick. Calm it the fuck *down*.
Max, seriously. Move back in with your parents. Or Maria. God knows her mom's never around. She's too busy being a cop with Denis Leary.
It's reassuring to know that some things never change. Like Jason Behr being really goddamn pretty.
"Please stop spying on Jesse." Not even a hello first? Bitch.
"Everyone said this would happen." Ok, Isabel? You weren't up front with him before you got married. You kind of brought this on yourself.
"It's not easy." No, that's the Five For Fighting song about Superman.
Yeah, Jesse. Your brother-in-law. In the Mafia.
See, Dr. Weiss? Perfectly nice guy. Happily married. I like him. Can he maybe not be killed?
Oh. My God. Hey, Michael? Wait a few minutes. You can hear me get my bitch on.
Hey, Mikey G.? You totally brought that on yourself. You go back and blame Max, and you die alone in a hole. Yeah, like you won't be doing that anyway.
"We just won't come back again." Please! Here, let me help you pack. Isabel, where's your passport?
"Did you hear Liz Parker dropped out of boarding school?" Actually, she withdrew. "Dropped out" makes it sound like she left because she was pregnant, so apparently Philip's confusing her with Tess. You know, Max's other - well, not girlfriend.
Yeah, Philip? You're *so* not getting invited to the wedding.
I know black is slimming, but God, Brendan, wear another color with it, huh?
You *dealt* with the therapist? Michael, you're not actually in the Mafia, you know.
Oh, so now Michael's an authority unto himself, huh?
"They're not safe with me?" Um. No.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Oh, so many things. Would you like a list?
"I'm fine." Oh, sure. You're fine. I'd hate to see you pissed off, then.
Brendan. Lay off the pies and get some orthodontia.
So do any of y'all go to school anymore?
Kyle looks like his dad with his hair that short. I like it.
You know what? Let's all listen to Kyle from now on. Kyle is actually a very insightful young man, and resurrection seems to have done him nothing but good. Me likee.
Anybody else think Burns somehow knew Pierce? Man, do I miss David Conrad.
Aw, man. Dossiers. You know it's bad when they whip out dossiers.
See? He totally knew Pierce, yo.
"We're an inferior lifeform to them." Well, if you're talking about Tess and Nasedo, yeah.
"How can I help?" Jesse, no! You never betray the Family!
Two acts left to go, and no sign of Maria. You'll hear no complaints from me.
Their kids will be SO CUTE. Just thought I'd put that out there.
"Am I ghost?" *wham* "Ow." Hee! I love them! They need to be naked right now and start making little hybrid babies!
"I'm not interested in dragging around these responsibilities anymore." Best. Words. Ever.
"...like going to school..." So, I guess they do go? Aren't you kids graduating in a week or something? What month is this?
Hey! Maria! And she's dialogue-free, thus making her the best Maria ever.
"I have my own plan." Yeah, 'cause those work so well.
"Thanks for that assignment, Max." See? One line - one! - and I want to punch her. Kinda.
"Alex died. Tess betrayed us." Yeah. That's alllll because of Max. Oh, wait, no.
"...and I'm good at it." Oh, how wrong you are.
"Nasedo had it right." Heil Guerin, then.
Michael, I really, really hope you don't expect to ever get Maria to blow you again.
"The grill's cold." "I'm not here to eat." "Oh. Come in, then." Is it just me, or did that sound like dialogue from a porno movie to anyone else?
Philip? Jeff? You're so not going to get to see your grandkids until *they* graduate college. Ok, maybe Jeff.
Oh, come *on*, Maria! You've never seen the constellation before? It's only mentioned in fanfic, like, every other week. Most of it about you and Michael. Not that I'm mentioning anyone in particular, here. *cough*
"I don't want to be a member of any club where he's a leader." Hee! Love Kyle. Love. him.
"It's Michael to the nth degree." Well. Yes.
Personally, I'm a fan of any plan that advocates killing Michael, but that's just me.
"She was mine first. Did you know that?" Um. No. Last I heard, Michael, you weren't so big on the Evans bootie. Well, not Isabel, anyway.
"...we'll be together when you're nothing but bones." Right. So G&A are really Cliffhangers, then. Either that, or somebody made them write that line and they're really pissed off about it. Not that I care either way.
Uh, Michael? If you're really King, you shouldn't really feel like you have to explain yourself to Max. Which means that somewhere inside, you know this is wrong. Which means if I have to sit through another endless Max Apologizes to Michael scene, somebody gets a punch in the teeth.
Hey, Isabel. Way to run out on your brother when he's in danger. Bitch deux.
I just really like the way Max and Michael sort of hop *over* the couch as Michael tackles Max, like they know they're about to hit it. It's more of a comment on the stunt guys, but it - I don't know. I smiled, a little.
Go ahead and leave the glass in, Max. Learn him a thing or two.
Hey, if Isabel can transmute molecules, couldn't she just wave her hands and make the files oxygen or something?
Brendan's nipples are odd.
Max, Michael kind of *did* mean everything he said to you. He just never usually says it.
Gotta say, Jesse's plan is better than burying the guy in the desert a la Pierce.
Do they really need to point to direct their powers? That just seems - I don't know. Goofy. I know it's probably an aid to concentration, but still.
Is this Oasis? Man, that's gonna bug me all week.
"If we drive all night, we can make it to Dallas." Why would you want to?
"I killed a man." Yeah, and your wife killed a Congresswoman about a year ago, but you don't hear her whining about it.
"We can leave Roswell and never come back." If you hurry, you can be in Dallas by morning! Or even Mexico! Isabel, take the keys and start the car! Jesse, start packing!
If you listen closely, you can actually hear their marriage start to collapse. Give it a try!
Ok, so not Oasis.
I've said before that Michael would make an incredibly crappy king - during, I believe, the Courtney arc from S2. Michael as King? Yeah. Worst idea *ever*, other than Tess as Queen, which is saying something. Michael, as Max says, is brash and impulsive - only now he's got a Magical Force Field and healing powers to back that up, which is up there on my Oh, Shit scale. Really, making Michael "king" didn't do anything except exacerbate tendencies that were already in him, the same way alcohol doesn't make you do anything that's *really* against your nature and/or morals. He just got louder and more able to punsh through walls, and he said things he's probably been thinking for a while now. (Which makes me wonder about his whole "[Isabel] was mine before you were born, and she'll be mine when your bones are dust" rant, considering that Michael never seemed particularly enthused about getting in Isabel's pants even when they thought a dream could get her pregnant, but maybe that's just me.) He thinks Nasedo is right, constantly blames Max for stuff that's not Max's fault - yeah, that's Michael to the nth degree, all right. And I like him about as much as I like Vilandra. Which means, of course, that I want him dead.
Isabel - well. Once again, Isabel needs to learn that it is not, in fact, All About Her. "Oh, my marriage is collapsing. Oh, I need to whine about it to Max, who recently returned from the dead, without so much as saying hello to him." Actually, other than Max - and, I believe, briefly Michael - she didn't talk to anyone *but* Jesse. I'm getting a little sick and tired of watching the Isabel and Jesse show. And really, Isabel, if you didn't want Jesse to flip out, maybe you should have - oh, I don't know - *told him you were an alien before you got married*. God. Maria and Liz freaked out; Alex took it pretty much in stride, after thinking Liz was high; Kyle became a Buddhist. Never once have we seen someone totally lose it and leave town or something. They freak out and get upset, then get over it. I don't usually have boatloads of praise for Jesse, but it's safe to say that if he'd known ahead of time that his fiance was an alien - and *not* the kind that needs a green card - he'd have eventually been ok with it. But she didn't give Jesse that choice, and that was selfish and more than a little stupid, and now she's paying for it, which is fine. I just don't want to see this for the rest of the show's run. I could be doing other things. Like, say, ogling Max.
Not that Jesse was acting any better this week. Calm it the fuck *down*, Overreaction Lad. She didn't tell you she'd killed a guy (or, in Isabel's case, a woman, if we can count CongressSkin Whittaker as a woman); she didn't tell you she'd been born a man. God, from the way he's reacting, you'd think Isabel bit off their neighbor's head and eaten it right in front of him. "I married Isabel Evans. There is no Isabel Evans." Uh, yeah there is. You married her. I should know; I had to sit through the whole goddamn process, as did the rest of us. So she's got nifty magical powers. Big whoop. It'll save you on car repair and trips to Hair Cuttery. Neither of them is sitting down and talking about it, which is the problem with the marriage as a whole - they never talk about *anything* of consequence, and hi, they kind of need to do that. I could cheerfully bitchslap the two of them, I swear.
Max didn't have a whole lot to do this week, other than administer the smackdown to Michael (yay!) and try to get back with Liz, but that's ok. He looks appropriately pale and haggard for someone who's just come back from the dead - Jason? Seriously? Have a damn Happy Meal - and I liked that he didn't seem thrilled about taking the mantle of leadership back. He had to, because Michael was talking about killing people and acting fucking psychotic in addition to stealing Max's powers, but he didn't *want* to, and that's the difference. Power should be in the hands of someone who doesn't want it, e.g. not Michael.
Liz had a quiet week, too, other than lying to her dad - drug-addicted roommate and three-way with her Latin teacher. Hee! - and playing putt-putt with Max, which was cute, but not terribly important. I honestly believe they're gonna get back together (ok, that and I read spoilers. Shut up), but I can also understand why she's not just jumping back on the Max Train.
Kyle, it seems, is an insightful and thoughtful young man, who - until the fucking Special Unit showed up - seemed to be making an eensy-weensy dent in Jesse's dumbheaded thinking. I greatly prefer him to S1 Kyle, who was a jackass. Hey, if that's what getting shot does to you, can we shoot Michael? And if not, can we shoot him anyway?
Jim, apparently, has decided to deal with Max's resurrection and the subsequent consequences by going to Tahiti for a week. Personally, I'm annoyed he didn't think to ask me to go with him, but good for him. Bring me back a little fruity drink, Jim, huh?
I really can't reconcile Peppy!Sassy!Maria with the one who's spent the last three weeks repeating getting her bitch on about the recording industry, and I don't care to. She was snarking at Michael, possibly (probably) in hopes of A) calming him down and B) getting a booty call out of the deal, and both failed miserably. Good. Fine. Couldn't possibly care less. Thought I *would* like to see her face upon hearing that "Isabel is mine" monologue of Michael's...
Final rating: 3 stars out of 5 - had there been five, of course, it would have been in the V-shape of the Royal Constellation, because some of us *get it*, writers. Could have been better, but there were brief moments of M/L cuteness, and I like the fact that you can actually start to hear Jesse and Isabel's marriage collapse if you try hard enough.
Next week: Shocking! Downed alien spacecraft! Action! Also: Diane and Philip huddle in a corner for some reason - which I think I know, but again, hi, Spoiler Slut over here - looking shocked. Maybe they just realized Diane's hair is now brown. "Crash", in...less than a day as I'm writing this, actually.Gale