This week: We continue to rip off -- I mean, *pay
homage* to classic TV with a plot straight out of The
Twilight Zone. Liz goes back to work at the Crashdown,
people start disappearing, the Pod Squad get more on
my nerves with every passing second (yes, even Max) --
and hey, did I just catch a glimpse of Bill and Nick? |
I just sat through the last 15 minutes of 7th Heaven. For the record, if I ever develop diabetes, "Mary's Goodbye" will probably be a *big* factor. Yecch.
All right, let's get this over with. And yes, I know how sad it is that I just wrote "let's get this over with" in regards to Roswell.
Forget the Skins. The Olson Twins...
On behalf of the residents of my state, I'd like to apologize for Florida holding up the electoral process. And if Bush wins, someone owes *me* an apology. Ahem. Right. Roswell's on, so I'm off the political soapbox and onto the Hey, Didn't This Show Not Suck Once? soapbox.
The kid who plays Nicholas played Gage -- you know, the little kid -- in Pet Semetary. Ewww.
It's very, very sad that when I heard "The Harvest", I didn't immediately think Buffy.
No! Not another tour bus! This had better not be a crossover with Live Through This!
Okay, why are the Evanses in a *camper*? Dude, you're lawyers. You don't need a *camper*. Oh, wait, they're not in a camper. My bad.
Isabel, your parents are in the other room. Ixnay on the alien-hay, all right?
How can you fish? You're in *New Mexico*! But yay Bill! And yay Nick! See? They're bonding! It's cute! We need more of this, writers.
And then Kyle lets the fish go. I love him this year. No, really.
What died on Maria's head? Why do all blondes need Heidi braids? Damn WB hairdressers.
Tell me that the big glowing bolt of light from the sign is not a Giant Glowing Alien Penis.
The special effects suck this year. No, really.
"How's that cute Liz Parker, honey?" Yay, Diane! Hugs! This is why I love her. She asks good questions.
"Could I please have some more fritata?"
Liz, Maria, maybe you'd better get off Maple Street, 'cause the monsters are due. And maybe you shouldn't have stopped in Willoughby. (Oh, all right. I'll quit with the TZ jokes. Jeez. You guys never let me have any fun.)
In case I haven't mentioned it in, oh, a week, I want to spread Jason on a cracker. Mmn boy. I want me some of that.
Who wants to bet that Colin's not gonna be seen again? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
Kyle's burning ylang-ylang and hanging wind chimes. If I can't have Max, I'll take Kyle in a pinch.
Okay, when I said I didn't like BitchyIsabel, that doesn't mean I like WeepyWhinyIsabel any better. God, girl, fall apart later. Find people now.
Oh, and now Michael's touching wet, naked Courtney. Candygirls, welcome to pain.
Yes, something was looking at Liz and Maria in Skin-O-Vision. I'll be damned if I know what, though.
Tess, who told you you could come? This is a private party. No trollops need apply. Oh, no, wait, that's Courtney. It's not like I'm wrong, though.
No, Maria, Alex is gone, too. Because Colin cannot be in the same show as *the rest of you*.
Oh, now they're just taunting. That's SH background music, y'all. I. Hate. This. Show. That music should only be playing when either Max or Liz is naked. Preferably both of them. With food products. And baby oil.
Oh, man, Tess and Courtney are fighting. I'm just gonna sit back and giggle. And hope for bloodshed.
Max! No! You're touching Tess! I don't *want* to put you under the Buick, Leader Boy, but I *will*.
See? Mindwarping! Pretty goddamn handy power, isn't it?
Nicholas, your future's not that bright. You don't have to wear shades.
"Please don't let me die like Elvis." Not unless you're hunched *over* the toilet and choking to death on your own vomit, hon.
Awww? Is the wittle alien tramp getting all tired? Poor baby.
Aaagh! Max! You're touching her again! Is her name "Liz"? No! Then you shouldn't be touching her!
Ooh, I love me some backlighting. Hoo boy. I want one of *those* for Yule. Yowza.
Max, you are coming dangerously close to the Buick. I'm just sayin'.
Hey, Michael, if you're supposed to be the backup leader, why can't *you* do anything? Oh, that's right. You're *not*.
"I heard that, you bitch." Courtney? Just die already. Seriously. It'd free up some room under the Buick.
I love Liz's balcony. I've never seen it in daylight before. It's just neat.
Michael, drop the act. And then get your Summer of '47 hair back, 'cause right now you look like a Monkee. The last time I liked the Monkees, I was eight.
Tess, just shut up. Please. I'm asking you nicely.
"...multiple subset dimensions..." Ow. Ow ow ow. This isn't Star Trek.
Liz, Maria, when you run, it doesn't mean run *into each other*.
Yay! Jim! And I have to say, as fight sequences go, this didn't completely suck. Points.
I just realized it now, but Emilie has a chubby face.
Why? *Why* can Nicholas do all the things that the Pod Squad can? I need a map here, Darth.
Max, if Liz had slept with Kyle, she wouldn't be cowering behind Maria, okay? Jesus. Buy a brain, Max. Here, take mine. It's not like I've been using it this season anyway.
Mmn. Yummy sweater.
At least Max isn't with Tess. I can postpone my killing spree.
The Evanses, hands down, are gonna have the kids with the best-looking yearbook photos.
I have now spent three minutes looking to see if they've covered up the ear. Dammit.
Since when does Roswell have a fountain?
Every time I see that tour bus, I expect to see Stevie Nicks pop out of nowhere. Man. Jarring.
Courtney: The Amazing Melting Skin!
"The granilith." AAAAGH! I almost had it! Son of a bitch! I think I'm free, and bam! they sneak it in!
Oh, God, I'm getting sniffly. "Mr. Squishles".
Tess, away with ye. You're offending my eyes with your chubby face and Wacky Alien Mental Obfuscation Powers.
Oh, so now Tess is Buffy? I don't f**king think so. Oh, yeah, I'm back and I'm swearing! Whoo!
Every time I see the UFO Center sign, I think "glowing alien penis". "Green rod"...
"Senor Presidente" -- yea, Kyle! Hugs! And then fix your hair, because it just sucks this week.
Oh, Max, you are, like, three minutes away from going under the Buick. And Courtney's gonna die, so there's gonna be plenty of room.
Oh, what? Candygirls get hugs, and we get *nothing*? I goddamn hate you, Darth. No, really.
Um, Ida? Eczema. Ewww.
Nicholas is like the Anointed One all grown-up to something less than pretty.
Why is Isabel a good liar and Max isn't? Did Leader Boy not get the Good Liar gene in the genetic cocktail?
"I'm sick of this." You're not the only one, Nicholas. You're not the only one.
"I'm gonna start spending more time with my mother." I'd like to see that. I love Diane Farr.
And Liz gets a brain! Yea!
"He's Max. He'll always know."
And now Liz is gone. Sh*t.
And once again with the Glowing Alien Penis! I know it's sweeps and all, WB, but damn.
"Buddha forgive me, but I'm gonna kick your ass!" Okay, Nick Weschler is also the man. Damn, there's a lot of men.
"I think I see a chest hair, Nicholas. Way to go." Oh, the hell with it.
Nicholas is a dirty little boy, and not in the good way that I'm dirty, either.
"I hope they kill you." And once again, we agree. Funny, this doesn't feel like the Apocalypse...oh, right. The end of the world was a couple weeks ago.
Oh, and Courtney's dead. And...damn, I think I feel a smidgen of bad. Huh. Wasn't expecting that.
If this were any other show, I bet this face-off would be, y'know, tense.
Could we quit with the giant penis? Please?
"By the way, love the hair. Hope you win." And again with the inappropriate snickering!
"...so why don't you make this easy on yourself?" Because he's Max Evans. Jeez, Nicholas, read a webpage.
And now, one mo' time, the Giant Glowing Alien Penis! Let's give it a big hand, folks!
Tess -- the *f**k*? Oh, I can't start yelling now. I'll never ever stop. And that's not hyperbole, y'all. That's why there's MCS. More below, if I can keep from spewing my bile.
AAAGH! Max! Is! Hugging! Tess! Any minute now, my head should snap off my shoulders and roll away.
No fair! They're playing "Next Year", and *so* not in the context I wanted!
Colin! Yay! But it's only to get paid. Boo.
"Sweetie, I'm dripping water all over the floor here." And any minute now, that could start a grease fire.
Liz and Maria hugging -- oh, hell. Awww.
"It was awful, Max." Yeah, I know. You touching Tess...
Every time I see that Pod Squad shot in the scenes for next week, part of me dies a little more. I'm just sayin'.
The Levi's badger commercial kills me. That's good pie.
MORE COHERENT STUFF:
Nicholas is the scariest kid I have seen in a good long while. Having grown up on X-Files, I know from scary little mutant children, and Nicholas is right up there. That whole "What do you want to do?" "Kill them all" exchange had my hackles up. He's nothing more than a brat with a *lot* of power -- and why does Nicholas have all of their powers, "times a thousand"? Did the Skins plan ahead and get a hold of royal DNA (or whatever)? He was appropriately creepy, kind of like Claudia in Interview With the Vampire: an adult trapped in the body of a teenager, with no outlet for his...needs. Glad he's dead, though until I see a body, I'm not ruling anything out.
Courtney -- oh, hell, I didn't completely hate her.
Don't get me started on Michael telling Courtney where the granilith was.
Isabel is now skating on Thin Big Brother Ice, and she knows it, and she's still not talking. My *God*, woman, what has to happen before you just spill? Jesus. Look, you should have told Max sometime after you found the granilith (like, immediately) and asked for his help. I don't have an older brother, but the last time I checked, they're kind of good at that whole "helping out the little sister" thing. (And yes, Isabel is technically older. Max has "older brother" written all over him.) It's not like you're Vilandra; you are based on Vilandra's genetic makeup, with a good deal of human DNA thrown in. *You* are Isabel Evans, and you're kind of pissing me off. Going to see Nicholas? On your *own*? Is Max not sharing the brain anymore? Katie does a great job, though. Cookie.
Tess -- look, people, I'm trying to be subjective here, what with Barry calling me names and trashing these things, but I *can't* be. It's *Tess*. You know how we all thought the Mommagram was stupid? Well, it was, but nowhere near as stupid as The Magical Ass Fire. Oh. My. God. You know what it reminded me of? Really? Gamera. For those of you who don't know, Gamera is a Japanese monster movie, in the same vein as Godzilla -- actually appeared in a Godzilla movie, I think -- who flies by *shooting fire out of his ass*. And, apparently, Tess can do that too, and use her Magical Ass Fire to vaporize Skins.
Max...I honestly don't know anymore, which really sucks. For someone who's holding pretty tight to that whole "I'm not a king" thing, he doesn't have any real problem being the leader. That part I don't have a problem with, necessarily; *someone* has to be the leader, and if it's not Max, it's gonna be Michael.
But if I can't have Max, I'll take Kyle in a pinch. Mmn yeah. Buddha Boy is rapidly climbing the Characters Gale Wants To Hug Scale, just under Maria, who's under Max and Liz. (No, not that way. Eww.) He seems committed to Buddhism, and points for that; sorry, but New Mexico doesn't strike me as a bastion of alternate religious philosophy, y'know? He was seriously distressed when his dad disappeared, and he does what Max says -- but not without pointing out that, hey, Max? We're human. You're *not* the boss of us. So nyah. And, in a pinch, he can still kick ass. I love him. Nick is coming really, really close to automatic cookie status.
Jim -- come on, who doesn't love Jim Valenti? He goes fishing with his son, takes out Skins with impunity, and manages to make me all sniffly in a monologue that lasts less than two minutes. He genuinely loves his son, even if he sucks at showing it, and he's come a long way from Mr. Slamming-Hot-Teenage-Boys-Into-A-Fence that we first met last season. Bill Sadler is the man.
Grant? Who's Grant? Funny, I remember somebody annoying by that name lying around here somewhere...
Well, I was wrong when I said we wouldn't see Colin again, so no cookie for me. Of course, it was for 30 seconds and he was complaining about pancakes...No cookie for Colin, either, simply because I can't give out cookies for less than a minute of screen time. I'd love to, but I can't.
Maria's hair sucks this week. Let's get that out of the way; blondes on this show don't need Heidi braids, all right? They didn't look good on Katie, they don't look good on Majandra, so let it go, hairdressers, all right? Maria didn't have a hell of a lot of stuff to do this week. Well, besides save the town -- and if someone can explain how electricity can bring people back from multiple subspace dimensions, please let me know, because I've been watching Star Trek since I was seven and that made absolutely no sense. She quips, she drives the car, she keeps Liz from having a nervous breakdown. And then she disappears. Still, I've gotta give Majandra a cookie, if only for the funny stuff.
Liz is in the worst place I've ever seen. Ow. Ow ow ow. She's still lying to Max -- and still lying *badly*, I might add, though this week it was more sins of omission than out-and-out lying -- but she gets points for wanting Kyle to go back so she could tell him the truth. She can't keep the charade up. She *can't*. She's not a good enough liar to keep it going, and eventually Kyle's just going to snap and tell Max. And on that day, I will begin chair dancing. Shiri gets a cookie, but I'd much rather give her more screen time.
And that's all for this week, sports fans. Next week: We find the other four Carver was talking about, NotMichael2 kisses Liz (ew! ew! Polarist shout-out and I *so* don't need that!), Max gets invited on yet another road trip, and the writers get to snicker at us, the fans, by naming an episode after us: "Meet the Dupes".
Someone tell me why I'm still watching this show again?